I hit almost every branch falling out of the “I’m not het” tree

The about page includes:

Sexual orientation: I’m a mix of demisexual and gray asexual (aceflux?), though I have not always used this label (so when recounting previous times in my life, I may refer to those labels).

Romantic orientation: Panromantic

When I was growing up, there was more of a noticeable emphasis on certain sexualities in the LGBTQIA+ groups I could access information from. It was more like G, L, b, vague smear of other letters. So, I spent some time identifying as a lesbian because there seemed to be this definite stance that you liked either men or women. Then I identified as bi because I couldn’t ignore the fact that I wasn’t just attracted to women.

At a certain point, someone suggested looking into the T because they thought it might be helpful. I spent some time identifying as a gay transman, then was a bit confused by only being attracted to women, then did some sort of squiggle line back to identifying as bi. I shelved the waffling back and forth on not being cis area of questioning, to the point that I sort of forgot about it for a few years.

I did a conglomeration of bi / pan / on an individual by individual basis for a bit, and then partially spurred by tumblrites I follow talking about asexuality and the ace spectrum, I found out more about the A portion that I was much more used to hearing attributed as Allies. I sort of sighed and considered if I wanted to try to go through questioning labels all over again. After looking back over who I was attracted to in an irl sense and hypothetical sense, I ended up at the mentioned mix of demisexual and gray asexual (stumbling across the aceflux label has been so new that I’m not touching it right now). I’m on the ace spectrum and may just use ace at times, but I’m not asexual.

I had a friend who was a bit confused as to how I went from sexual attraction to it sort of comes around sometimes. I explained about a mental metaphor that I sometimes use; please note that this is just how I describe my experience and it should not be applied to others who identify as ace. I sometimes think of my body as a machine in which puberty was a massive update to wiring, programming, and switches being turned to the on position. I went through a trial run and did experience sexual attraction as my hormones were spiking and at new levels and shit.

However, I didn’t need to stay in the trial run stage as my body adjusted to hormones and puberty kind of calmed the fuck down with all its changes. Switches that didn’t need to be in the on position all the time were flipped off. This kind of corresponds to when I started to realize that I had primarily been attracted to friends (people I had a strong emotional connection with before experiencing the attraction). I first looked into explanatory information and 101 stuff regarding BDSM after stumbling into certain fanfics (in my trial run stage), and I realized that there’s a certain “asterisk” when it comes to this area (hello, gray asexuality), so certain switches can be flipped back into the on position based on certain circumstances.

I started to realize that I was ace as I introduced myself to the Norse pantheon, which does wind up making this section of my life that some want to keep sequestered away from their religious life relevant to my religious practice. Deities are more likely to turn platonic, friendly Faces to me rather than Faces that want sex included. This doesn’t mean that No One hasn’t at least offered (dream messages that didn’t beat around the bush), but They’ve never been pushy about it (and seemed to realize that I was heading deeper into ace territory before I did). I don’t know if I just assumed that I needed to stay the course once the topic of offerings of sexual energy was brought up, but I’ve come to realize that They’ve let this matter drop because I’m more disinterested and borderline squicked by sex than I’ve let myself accept in the past.

~

I’ve spent so long talking just about sexual orientation that it’s okay if you’ve forgotten that I mentioned questioning my gender as well. I mean, I forgot for several years myself, so it’s not a huge deal. Also from the about page:

Pronouns: He / Him or They / Their

Gender orientation: Transmasculine (though primarily closeted with irl people).

Depending on how snarky I feel, I may answer “wibbly-wobbly, gendery-wendery” instead.

I know I’ve received some amusement from answering “wibbly-wobbly, gendery-wendery” in the past, but that was more or less what I settled on when I was just too mentally frayed with questioning everything (and trying to deal with certain life events at the time as well). I mentioned in the intro post to how I interact with Jormundgand that Zhe has been the main instigator in getting me to accept that I’m basically not cisgender.

While I’ve done some waffling on where exactly I fall under the trans umbrella, I’ve come to realize that I can’t get around still somehow being under that umbrella. Courtesy of dictionary.com, transgender can relate to “a person whose gender identity does not correspond to that person’s biological sex assigned at birth”. At the request of Jormundgand and Hela, I honor the trans dead, and there’s nothing quite like going “but I don’t know why they’re interested in me” until you throw up your hands and go “fine, okay, I’m one of you guys”.

While I may clarify that the people I interact with irl in the vast majority of cases assume I’m cis, I don’t always talk about being trans in relation to my Deities very often because They knew before I did and have accommodated that. Before I accepted being called Fenrir’s son, He also worked with ‘cub’ (I mean, it is gender neutral). I didn’t have a gender specific term for either devotional power dynamic I’m in for a while, though I do currently use one in Mani’s dynamic.

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One thought on “I hit almost every branch falling out of the “I’m not het” tree

  1. Crow Girl says:

    I just stumbled across your blog, so forgive the necropost. I really like your analogy for sexual attraction. I’ve been through that hormone-surge weirdness a few times–besides puberty, there was getting off a certain medication, and more recently, the start of perimenopause–but normally I’m an aromantic asexual. Always nice to find another Pagan Ace!

    Like

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