Songs and Playlists (Mental landscapes)

Creating a ‘board game’ styled activity where I take token ‘me’ through stuff so I don’t have to literally go through it doesn’t exactly sound exciting on its own. I may have chosen graph paper, but that doesn’t mean getting proportions and lettering right is a piece of cake.

(I purposefully did this in pencil, so I can fix this and rework stuff as I go through the first few attempts. *squints at one part* Such as having large enough ‘paths’ for the token to actually fit on once I leave the part that fits nicely with the squares of the graph paper itself. This is why erasers are friends.)

To keep this from turning into something that gets picked apart by perfectionism and feels weird while trying to just guess at when to move the token, I’ve utilized some songs / playlists. One playlist was created while I was suicidal, and it does feature songs that are ‘morbid’ according to some who have seen / heard it. It helped to vent out what I was dealing with without resorting to action, so I’ve kept this particular playlist. I listened to it while creating the basic structure of the ‘board game’ and working on the part that features descending to Helheim (the specific symptoms of depression I experience).

I have 13 songs on that playlist and 15 blocks in the path of symptoms. I listened to each song, moved the token at the end, and listened to the first two songs again in order to get to the waiting area for last night. It’s been the only playlist I’ve played throughout the day today until getting to the point of needing to work on the ascending part. While these songs may not be everyone’s cup of tea, and they’re liked by plenty of people who aren’t / haven’t been suicidal, I debated sharing any of the songs. (I wound up deciding to only share the first two that got repeated.)

I associate the contrast in this song (upbeat, cheery music with lyrics that very explicitly talk about suicide) with the passive end of the suicidal ideation spectrum. I liked the song prior to this winter, but I found that this contrast helped somehow.

Even though I knew somewhere in my mind that there are Several Deities, Powers, Spirits, etc Who care about me and want me to live, there’s still an element of feeling cut off and like no one is there to listen with depression brainweasels. So, the basic element of the song still resonated.

To mirror the descent, I have 15 blocks in the path for walking back to the land of the living. I created a small playlist (5 songs) to repeat three times while moving the token for this section. Each one of these blocks puts forth a solution / tool / option for dealing with the corresponding block on the way down. I’ve had different playlists and songs that have been inspirational, encouraging, or particularly related to a certain Someone that have helped me, but I decided to just go with this small list of five to keep this from getting really long.

This doesn’t necessarily seem hopeful, encouraging, inspirational, or along those lines, but it summed up how I felt after what felt like a long time of shadow work and still finding myself knocked on my ass with this escalation of depression symptoms.

Sometimes you need to listen to “You can make it to the sunrise” on repeat to help get through the night (lyrics).

“You are not alone. | We can get through it tonight. | I will be the anchor to your runaway train tonight. | I will be the beacon when you’re feeling insane. | I know it hurts sometimes, so I’ll get in line with you. | Tonight, I will be the anchor to your runaway train. | I will be your anchor” (lyrics). Applicable to more than One Deity, but the basic idea is still there.

The title basically sums up the message that I’m pretty sure Someone (at least One) wanted me to remember.

I first had this vague feeling that Fenrir was the One behind this [Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas], but I then leaned more towards the (currently) Unknown Spn Entity sent to provide some means of assistance. It’s still a bit of a coin toss because this song works for both of Them really.


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