Gleipnir’s Ingredients (iv)

Order and taking inspiration from the ritual Chaining Fenris: A Ritual to Bind the Inner Beast, the fourth ingredient: Footfall of a cat.

The fourth thing on the list is the footfall of a cat. Everyone who has had cats will tell you that although they can be very quiet, they can also be very loud. They are only quiet when it is their will to do so. They have the ability to step gently or to step hard, and this is something that you must learn in dealing with your monster.

Sometimes they will need you to go gentle. Sometimes you must be rough with them, remind them that you are the alpha in this body, make them submit and show throat … or they will never respect you. The cat understands the control needed to go from gentle to rough.

It helps to talk about certain desires, thought patterns, and behaviors by turning them into an ‘other’ that is separate yet inside, but this only goes so far in helping (for me, at least). I don’t have a wolf shaped monster locked in the basement of my soul that I need to remind that I’m the “alpha in this body”.

I can’t cut away the wolf into a clean ‘other’; there’s an interwoven mess that’s just me in here. I’m not being rough to something inside of me – I’m being rough to me. I can typically cover the being hard on myself bit without getting into ‘making the monster submit and show throat’.

I don’t know if there’s an element of socialization, brainweasels, or something else, but I struggle with being gentle with myself. I’m not even sure that picturing a little monster that needs encouragement, forgiveness, or what have you would really help because I would have a hard time with connecting the little monster with me.

(I don’t deserve….You’re just lying to yourself….I can always do better….Do you really believe that?….You have to earn it….Prove it….You’re not worthy….)

I usually have to picture myself with Someone else, browse positivedoodles, or somehow trick my brain into thinking that the encouragement, forgiveness, support, etc. isn’t originating from me. I know some people get all up in arms over Deities, Spirits, Higher Powers, etc. being thought of in this way, so I usually just keep this to myself. Sometimes you use what works.

Sometimes you gotta tell the disapproving voice to fuck off. If I’m borderline sick and feel like shit, does it really hurt anyone else if I imagine that m’Lady is doing the rubbing circles on your back thing that mothers do? If I’m tired but struggling to fall asleep because the brainweasels are being very active at 3 am, does it affect anyone else if I imagine that Hati and Skoll are curled up next to me?

If the brainweasels snuck up on me and I feel like I don’t deserve to eat, does it hurt anyone else if I imagine Fenrir nudging me and reminding me to eat? C’mon, Cub, how are you going to grow big and strong if you don’t eat? Something is better than nothing. You can’t ‘earn’ food because you’ll never feel like you deserve it compared to someone else. Your body needs fuel, and you can access food, so eat something. Don’t punish yourself for being alive.

Let’s end on a happier note, shall we? Have a positivedoodle:

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