Gleipnir’s Ingredients (v)

Order and inspiration from the ritual Chaining Fenris: A Ritual to Bind the Inner Beast, the fifth ingredient: Breath of a fish.

The fifth thing on the list is the breath of a fish. This, obviously, is water. Water symbolizes the feelings, the emotions that we must constantly check and be aware of. Sometimes, this is the only way to take notice of a chained monster who is becoming restless and needs attention. Watch the water levels in your life.

I would usually respond with something along the lines of “tired is an emotion, right?”, but I’m not just tired. [See #1 below cut, if anyone wants to see the rest of that (brainweasels, basically).]

Somewhere underneath the “I’m okay” exterior, I’m afraid that this is how things will always be. I won’t really ever get better. I’ll always have to fight against wanting to not exist, and I’ll always have to remind myself to eat and sleep like most humans do. People keep asking about future plans, and I don’t know how to explain that I just can’t long-term think like that. I’ll probably be alive in 5 – 10 years, but I honestly can’t make a guarantee right now.

I was nudged to this positivedoodle:

tumblr_neiwbwqni41rpu8e5o1_500

I can’t really argue with that point, but it doesn’t quite make the thought of struggling through the daily grind less daunting. [See #2 below the cut.]

I made a note in my initial document that I actually wrote this on 11.14.15 from 2:20 – 3:30 AM (I was mentally still on the 13th, so I was mentally only a day late). However, you’ll notice that I did not share this shortly after the second day of the Dark moon (12th), and I didn’t do this because I’ve been waiting to see if my response would change.

It hasn’t, and it’s now the morning of my Nov check in (11.24.15, 2:45 AM). It seems too late in the season to try to switch to another antidepressant, and I’m hoping that this increase in dosage will help. I know I can’t expect happiness from this pill, but I’d settle for a neutral that doesn’t include all of my symptoms of depression (the passive suicidal ideation being a noticeable one).

Note: This post has been scheduled for 12.2.15, which is really late for trying to do these posts near the Dark moon of the month. There’s so much waiting with trying to figure out dosages.

– Cut –

[1] I’m tired of some the states and lines of thinking from last year resurfacing. I’m still numb. I don’t care about many things. I want to sleep in order to escape dealing with life, and I feel tired most of the time. I’m a little unsure if I’m feeling hungry and eating as often as I should, but this falls in the area of things I don’t really care about.

I feel worthless, useless, like a burden. I’m a bit irritated at times that my digestive system is so touchy on this medication. Somewhere underneath the apathy, I’m afraid that things won’t improve. I started an antidepressant in the last week of September, and my dose was increased near the end of October (at the 4 week check in). My November check in is coming up before Thanksgiving break, and I feel uncertain about what to do.

I haven’t escalated from passive to active suicidal ideation, and I’m probably close to where I was in September before scheduling a consultation. Compared to the escalation last year, and given how early things started this year, it’s not half bad. I still feel like I’ve failed an incredibly easy task of taking a pill every day because it doesn’t seem to really be working. I could sleep a lot, not want to eat, and have a passive undercurrent of not wanting to exist without taking any medication (and I wouldn’t have any side effects).

[2] I have to look for a job. I have to pack everything. I have to physically move to a new location. I have to pay rent, utilities, and other monthly bills that I haven’t had to cover at this point in my life. I have to hold down said job and get rehired, and I’ll have to buy food. Adulting and living take up a lot of energy.

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