Thoughts on Financial Control

[A part of my brain is aware that it sounds kinda crazy, but the idea of a Dominant telling me that I can’t buy something, especially if it’s because ‘I haven’t earned it’, does set off a lowkey terrified fight-or-flight response. I don’t know if it’s particularly strong because a lot of people responding to @sccwriting prompts are women submissives with dominant men, but I’m pretty sure that gut level, kneejerk reaction can be currently classified as a hard limit.

Unlike other switchy pieces, I didn’t try to approach it from a Dominant pov because it would have to be something a sub would have to initiate entirely on their own, no pressure from our dynamic. I can look at my sorta craziness and see that I have Issues to work out, and even in the hypothetical future, they just might have better luck with budgeting apps.]

No # post: Financial Control

#1 Is financial control a part of your relationship?

Not to be horrifically morbid on main, but I’d rather die. Did my family and our exact living situation not give me the best tools for all aspects of financial literacy? Yeah. Did I get an unhelpful finances unit in the ‘we’re funneling you off to college but not preparing you for life post-graduation’ class in my high school? We had one (1) person who wanted to become a lawyer and two (2) people who wanted to become doctors, so the teacher told all of us that we’d be so rich we wouldn’t need to worry about doing our own finances. Joke’s on you, Mrs. S, it turns out you don’t have to do taxes if you don’t earn enough. But really, I would rather google embarrassing questions and try to ungracefully figure out what the fuck I’m doing with my own finances than ever let someone else have financial control over me.

“What if your partner is better with money?” If I can’t phrase my question correctly enough to get an answer while googling, I’ll try asking them. “But –” My account, my money, my decisions. No one’s coming in and going all ‘skip the latte’, ‘do you really need to spend $__ on [something I don’t think you should buy]’, and deigning to give me an allowance if I’ve ‘earned’ it. “I sense Issues.” My father stole my mother’s identity and fucked up her finances for a while when I was young. My grandmother spent part of her life not being able to make certain financial decisions separately from a man as a cosigner, was taught that the specifics were the man’s domain especially once she was married, and after ~57 years of marriage, is struggling with figuring out her finances after my grandfather died in Sept 2018.

I have zero desire to experience poor shaming from a partner, especially if we have different backgrounds and approaches to finances [The Latte Factor, Poor Shaming, and Economic Compassion]. I may objectively understand that there’s a difference between negotiating finances as an area of control in a power dynamic and financial abuse, but I also know that vanilla partners can wander into questionable ‘is this financial controlling’ territory, finances are typically in the top five things couples argue about, and financial abuse is a common non-violent method of domestic abuse [When Money is the Weapon: Understanding Intimate Partner Financial Abuse].

While kinky people have to spend more time working on communication, there’s always renegotiation, and somewhere out there, there is a dynamic that has managed to negotiate financial control without any issues, I’m lowkey terrified by the idea. Someone deciding that I shouldn’t buy something inspires the same level of panic as someone deciding they can order for me at a restaurant. “N-e-g-o-t-i-a-t-io-n.” The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions.

#2 Is the topic of money ever a source of stress for you or your partner?

Honestly, it may not be the worst thing that I don’t have a partner right now because I clearly have Issues. Come back to me in like five years for a less neurotic answer. It’s entirely possible I’ll change, but I still feel like financial control isn’t something I’ll be interested in soon because it’s something I would definitely need to have an incredibly established dynamic to consider.

#3 Is it hard to maintain the D/s dynamic if the submissive partner is better with money?

In theory, it shouldn’t be. Offering up financial skills could be a means of assisting your Dominant.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s