Brocean & Night-Blooming Cereus

In mid-February of 2017, I sent an ask to Gef on tumblr for a FotN oracle reading, even though I do have the deck. (Sometimes, it’s interesting to see how other people will interpret a reading.) I got:

Night-Blooming Cereus (Understanding). A new perspective might be needed. Keep focused, avoid giving away your power. A question you may wish to ponder: What is going on right now that may help or hinder my path?

By my own divination, I was able to figure out that it was about this Njord / Poseidon ship I refer to as “brocean”. I had to process a certain amount of gentleness and emotional connection within this ship because two ‘men’ in a ship can still be gentle and emotional (I have mlm human ships to go off, but Deities technically don’t fit in human gender terms). I need to keep focused on the inevitable process of embodying my People instead of giving too much power to recon or revival polytheism / paganism (certain specifics of blending traditions aren’t relevant to me).

I am the ocean and the gentle lap of the waves against the sand. I am the give and take of the tide, knowing when to compromise and when to hold firm. I move around rather than trying to force my way through. I don’t have to be immovable, stoic, and emotionless. I feel, express emotions, am gentle. The ocean isn’t always calm, but that doesn’t mean I can only feel anger or a particular slice of the actual emotional spectrum. I can be the cool water and the warm sun.

Hindrances. Well, I didn’t exactly internalize problematic socialization from nowhere, so I need to uninstall and fix how I view and react to others and myself. Depending on the exact issue, it’s sometimes easier to change how I relate to others than how I relate to myself and vice versa. I may not want to feel certain emotions because it’s uncomfortable af, and I may disguise certain emotions because of reactions from others (their socialization or “Society”), for example. It’s almost a matter of creating myself as my own role model in some areas, since I’m not aware of major existing representation to look to.

A few days later, after opening my own deck (includes a guidebook), I added to my notes that while “sensual aspects of ships are highlighted” I shouldn’t “lose my purpose”, or in less direct quotes, a queer relationship — a queer identity — is more than the physical, sexual activity that may or may not happen. I don’t have to publicly share my personal point on the allosexual – asexual spectrum [irl] because my “sexual orientation” is more than answering who’d I fuck.

The guidebook also mentions that ‘sensitivities may be heightened’, so grounding may be beneficial. At the time, Nidhogg was more the one for grounding info, but brocean would like to obviously point out the benefits of grounding in fluidity (water). Also – controlled breathing; awareness of blood flow / heartbeat; and listening to a heartbeat, someone breathing, or something rhythmic (not limited to the ocean).

Messy Family Ties

Sometimes it’s interesting to watch shows like Who Do You Think You Are? and Finding Your Roots (PBS version), but sometimes the strong selling of ancestry kits via DNA testing makes tracing ancestry get a bit wonky and messy. (I can’t speak to how racial enslavement destroyed the historical record of my ancestors or how PoC were ethnically described in different ways due to the historical time period, but this contributes to being able to trace family being a privilege that not all people experience. My ancestors assimilated, so my Irish, German, Scottish, etc. roots were gradually replaced with acceptably white American stuff.)

The messiness I’ve more run into is that I found out my maternal grandmother’s father was adopted (toxic ancestor J, so I don’t exactly have people who want to talk about him and whether this was official with paperwork or not). I’ve been raised with certain cultural snippets and attempts at grasping at heritage, even if it’s Americanized stuff like corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day. My bio dead have encouraged trying to settle a little more securely into the area of cultural nodding, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to seriously consider one of those DNA kits (so many holiday specials, guys).

On the one hand, it would be interesting to see where my genetic roots can be traced and I’m a sucker for the history behind immigration (I’ve always been told the Irish side of the family came here because of the Great Famine), but on the other hand, it’s a little weird to think about how because of genetics I might not have the roots I’ve always been told. Granted, some of my ancestors are a little perplexed by this DNA nonsense because family doesn’t have to be blood, but worrying doesn’t always play by logic’s rules.

My ancestors’ responses: You’re very Nervous & Anxious, you know that? You can’t lose your family’s names like that. Eat some food, look into some history, consider a language. Some of us weren’t exactly shy about spreading our culture in Ye Olde Days. So your little microscopic genetic bits don’t explicitly tie you to a place and people, so what? You’re not being asked to be an expert, Little Foundling, just take a seat at the table and mind your manners.

Book Wishlist


Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic” by Raven Kaldera [$5 pdf / $20 paperback] (2010)

Blurb: Power Circuits is an alliance between two alternative lifestyles: polyamory, or multiple open and honest romantic relationships; and power dynamics, relationships that choose to be consciously and deliberately unequal in power, such as dominant/submissive or master/slave. Both lifestyles are on the cutting-edge frontiers of romantic and sexual relating, and for a long time practitioners of both have found little sympathy in either camp. This is the first book of its kind that navigates the waters of effective polyamory and power exchanges, with many essays from the brave practitioners who swim there.

Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts” by Raven Kaldera [$10.99 Kindle / Paperback ranges from $9 – $20 based on Used – New] (2005)

Blurb: The term “polyamory” describes non-monogamous relationships based on honesty and affection. Presenting a fascinating peek inside the polyamorous lifestyle from a Pagan perspective, Raven Kaldera offers practical insight and spiritual depth into a vastly misunderstood way of life.

Relating polyamory to astrology and the elements (air, fire, water, earth, and spirit), the author addresses all aspects of the polyamorous life, including family life, sexual ethics, emotional issues, proper etiquette, relationship boundaries, and the pros of cons of this lifestyle. Kaldera also discusses polyamory as a path of spiritual transformation and shares spells, rituals, and ceremonies for affirming one’s relationships and spirituality.

Power Dynamics & Service

Real Service” by Raven Kaldera & Joshua Tenpenny [$5 pdf / $14 paperback] (2010)

Blurb: In any consenting and negotiated personal service relationship, there are hundreds of ways in which the servant can make the master’s life easier, and the master can manage the servant most effectively. Why is it that we usually only hear about a few of these ways? From housework to driving to child care to personal care, nearly anyone who is in service (or who would like to be) has dozens of skills they already know that they can offer as a service, and there are countless more practical everyday skills they can learn. Real Service is a handbook for service-oriented submissives and the people they serve, providing techniques to help a service relationship function smoothly, and suggestions for service that can be offered.

Sacred Power, Holy Surrender: Living A Spiritual Power Dynamic” Edited by Raven Kaldera [$5 pdf / $14 paperback] (2011)

Blurb: What is it like to live a deliberate negotiated power dynamic — a dominant/submissive, master/slave, or owner/property relationship — as part of one’s spiritual path? This book is an anthology of real people who follow that barely charted road in a variety of different faiths and spiritualities. These writings go beyond the simple matter of ethics and move into the realm of relationship as transcendent discipline. Edited by Raven Kaldera, Sacred Power, Holy Surrender takes us into a world where power can be uncorrupted and surrender can be a way to freedom.

Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/Slave Relationships” Edited by Raven Kaldera [$5 pdf / $15 paperback] (2014)

Blurb: Consenting Master/slave relationships come in all varieties, inspired by many different historical periods and modern subcultures. One of the wonderful things about this lifestyle is that we can create our own unique paradigm with its own rules, protocols, and vision. From Victorian to medieval, from Leather to Gorean, This collection of essays by many practitioners of M/s showcases the beauty and diversity of this demographic, and will hopefully be an inspiration to future couples and families who are only now finding their way onto this road.

Intersection of Disability / Illnesses & Power Dynamics

Broken Toys: Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction” Edited by Del Tashlin & Raven Kaldera [$5 pdf / $15 paperback] (2015; 255 pages)

Blurb: In erotic stories, consensual submissives and slaves are usually beautiful, perfect people who can endure any hardship while balancing a tray of drinks in one hand. But what about real life, where many of us in dominant/submissive or master/slave relationships cope with mental illness or neurological disorders? Some would say that these individuals shouldn’t even be doing power exchange, and yet many are – and they are making it work. Broken Toys explores the brave stories of people in service and surrender who are struggling with imperfect brains and nervous systems, and the inventive masters and mistresses who love them, and find ways to use the dynamic to keep everyone going.

Mastering Mind: Dominants with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction” Edited by Del Tashlin & Raven Kaldera [$5 pdf / $12 paperback] (2014; 143 pages)

Blurb: In the world of Dominant/submissive and Master/slave relationships, new seekers often find an overriding ideal archetype of dominants, masters, and mistresses always being calm, controlled, and with all their mental and emotional faculties perfectly in line. But what happens when the dominant struggles with a mental illness or some kind of neurological disorder? Some would say that these individuals shouldn’t even be doing power exchange, and yet many are – and they are making it work. This book is an anthology of the experiences of brave dominants who strive to be honorable and effective in the face of these odds, and the people who gladly serve them. These stories are a bouquet of triumph and loyalty, and an inspiration to every practitioner of power dynamics who reads them.

Kneeling in Spirit: Disabled Submissives” Edited by Raven Kaldera [$5.00 pdf / $12 paperback] (2013; 95 pages)

Blurb: In erotic stories, consensual submissives and slaves are usually beautiful, perfect-bodied people who can endure any physical hardship while balancing a tray of drinks in one hand. But what about real life, where many of us in dominant/submissive or master/slave relationships cope with imperfect bodies and real-life challenges? Kneeling In Spirit explores the brave stories of disabled people in service and surrender, and the inventive masters and mistresses who love them.

Hell on Wheels: Disabled Dominants” Edited by Raven Kaldera [$5 pdf / $12 paperback] (2012; 95 pages)

Blurb: In the world of Dominant/submissive and Master/slave relationships, new seekers often find an overriding ideal archetype of dominants, masters, and mistresses always being big and strong, and able to physically overpower and discipline their submissives and slaves. But what happens when the dominant is or becomes disabled, and requires caretaking from the submissive? This book is an anthology of the experiences of brave disabled dominants and the people who gladly serve them, and how they maintain their authority from the darkness, the chair, and even the bed. These stories are a bouquet of triumph and loyalty, and an inspiration to every temporarily-abled person who reads them.

Intersection of Trans & BDSM

Double Edge: The Intersection of Transgender and BDSM” by Raven Kaldera [$20 paperback] (2010)

[cover image]

Blurb: Double-Edge: The Intersection of Transgender and BDSM is a smart book that tackles difficult, fascinating, controversial subjects with panache and compassion. It’s the latest public service from the fierce and tender pagan priest, activist, farmer, community organizer, oracle, nightmare of those devoted to normal and ordinary, and all-around role-model Raven Kaldera, whose complex identity gives him a rather comprehensive perspective on the topics of kinky sex, alternative relationships, and gender variance.

Avoiding “Sister Stays”

Notes from 1.10.19 about a dream that’s a message from Fenrir.

I kept winding up in the hospital, but I wasn’t experiencing any of the out of the hospital bits and just ‘waking up’ to different things in a hospital bed. Someone was taking my blood and explaining that I was having my first “sister stay”, in which my body was sharing someone else’s experience who had needed to come to the hospital and siphoning off the extra blood I had would disconnect me from them. I don’t remember why the person I was connected to was in the hospital, but the second time I woke up involved pain that I could only vaguely generalize to my abdomen and my blood didn’t look right (something pale brown was mixed in, and I can only compare the color to chocolate milk).

The third time I ‘woke up’ before my blood was taken and was struggling to not throw up. I couldn’t physically stay still (abdominal cramps from dry heaving), couldn’t explain why I knew someone was having a baby, and I was dazed enough I wasn’t sure if someone had borrowed my body for a bit (possession) or I had somehow wound up in a pregnant woman’s body (wandering soul?) before this visit. The attending physician reminded me of my “sister stay”, and despite my blood being removed looking quite literally like hot chocolate with mini marshmallows (no actual red blood), I didn’t feel better and the pain didn’t go away until after I’d thrown up.


Energetically, I can’t completely stop my ‘filter center’, and it’s more that I just carefully calibrate the energy I take in (skimming crowds because my energy perception isn’t high enough to get into person-to-person filtration). I’m fairly certain I’ve never talked about this here on WP, but something about my wolf-human hybrid energy body has led to what I call a filter center. I don’t consider it the same as psychic vampirism because I’m often not aware of cravings or a fluctuating energy appetite, and depending on what you read about vampirism, I don’t qualify due to lacking supposed shared traits or vampiric incarnations. My baseline is more of a sponge (filter feeder) that filters out excess energy from my surroundings, however, I can’t deny that some of the psi vamp stuff is helpful to make sure I’m not tipping over from filtering to being an energy sink.

This dream is an example of how Dad drops by with something to help make managing my Wolf easier. On the occasions when I’ve been aware of filtering an immediate environment, it’s been tied to someone else’s emotions becoming filtered and heightened in me, but I’ve never gone out of my way to test my perception of an energy’s flavor or how something about the source has affected it. This means that I haven’t specifically tried to feed from someone who’s pregnant before (some consider it ethically questionable), but I suspect my Father thought a heads up would help because I’m increasingly running into pregnant peers (and showers / events where I’m in close proximity to pregnant people that I’ll need to ward myself against feeding from).

Trans Witchcraft Dream

Last week, around 1.4.19, I had a fleeting snippet of reading a trans inclusive book about witchcraft that visually reminded me of the 90s era Wicca books, but I don’t quite remember if it was a Wiccan book or not. There was something about pronoun candles, and an image of a mostly white rabbit combined with and morphing into a purple iris.

Despite having looked at a bit of Casting A Queer Circle: Non-Binary Witchcraft by Thista Minai in an Amazon preview within the last few years, I haven’t really considered Wicca and its flavored witchcraft since high school. I don’t think the two remembered bits are a memory from a book being stirred up in a dream, but I’m not entirely sure if the general idea percolated something into being or not.

I had considered looking into Traditional Witchcraft in the past year, and in high school, I had to work to unlearn Wicca because my first exposure to paganism was its blend of religion and magic. I poked around at pop culture magic in undergrad (such as Avis), but this dream feels separate from all that. I’m not really interested in returning to a Wiccan approach, but I’m not yet sure where the line is drawn between an area that is commonly associated with Trad, PC magic, or whatever this is.

I’m probably going to poke at this, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be a concrete system or helpful for others. There might be overlaps (such as PC magic or possibly including a Deity / Higher Power), but it won’t be part of the system (secular, try to draw from nature and science).

wtnv quote

[Cross posted and backdated from a sideblog. Originally posted on 21 March 2014 and tagged #Lady in the Cave, #Tea with Sigyn.]

I sometimes wish I could tell you more, but I cannot. I cannot tell you everything I think you should hear because it is…boring. Or, it is unnecessary. Or it is very necessary, but unapproved.

There are many reasons I cannot always tell you what I want to tell you, but the main reason is that you need to find it out for yourself. I could preach, and teach, and shout, and explain, but no lesson is as powerful as the lesson learned on one’s own.

Welcome to Night Vale

Episode 36, Missing

(via theshapefromgrovepark) (via andthemorningfell) Source: theshapefromgrovepark

TDoR 2017

A poem for my beloved dead titled, “Murmurs”.


A silence that deepens

crumbles down into the ground

where muffled voices lie trapped

sentences cut short, screams echoing in the air

sobs choked back into the silence


An emptiness where voices should be

leaves a taste of expectation

metallic, like singing blood

I am here, I am here, I am here

You cannot silence us all

May Full Moon

Possible names include: Flower, Corn Planting, Milk, and Hare Moon. Mani indicated that He would like me to use “Flower”, though I make no guarantee He’d want someone else to do the same. The following is a piece of sacred fiction.

. . .

“You smell that?”

Hati inhaled and glanced up at Mani, “Flowers?”

“Not just any flowers.”

While he noted that Mani was leaning out of the wain, Hati couldn’t bring himself to get overly concerned. After a few centuries of Mani pushing the limits on how far he could reach out of the wain, it had stopped fully registering on his radar.

“The moonflowers are opening up.”

Hati sniffed the air, a little puzzled, “That’s more than just moonflowers — ”

“They’re opening for the moon, so they are all moonflowers now. I don’t make the rules.”

Hati sighed and continued to keep pace with the wain. They’d hit that point in spring.