A goodbye by any other name

In the fall of 2015, I started a segment of shadow work I referred to as #equinox shadow work 2015, which was supposed to last until the spring equinox of 2016. It was the reason for The Burning that I talked about here on WP and all of the Leaving.

There are Unseen processes at work with Leaving, and levels and clarifiers that didn’t always make sense. I knew there was some sort of paperwork element and getting approval, and  I know there was a delay in when I got the news due to the amount of People Leaving.

There were also delays in me sharing because 1) I needed time before sharing something like that publicly, and 2) Sometimes People came back or entered a clarified region that was like “kinda back”, so I didn’t want to cause a lot of confusion. Sometimes, I was asked as part of the Leaving process to not share until a certain time had passed or until a certain date.

While I’m sure it was easy to see the signs in the posts I shared on the full moons in the latter part of 2016, but Mani was one of the People Who Left. He wanted me to finish out writing something for each full moon, but He also wanted me to wait until the total solar eclipse in 2017 to publicly reveal that He’d Left.

I’m not 100% sure why, but here’s the post that’s been scheduled for a year and a month into the future (written on the summer solstice of 2016). I changed through shadow work and kept winding up incompatible with Faces He tried to turn my way. His Faces were dealing with shadow work rubbing off onto Them, in some cases. Things weren’t at a point that it was impossible to continue, but things changed in terms of agreements and negotiations to the point that it was easier for Him to Leave.


plamen update

I can feel that I’m curled up in the fetal position on a wood floor. I’m not entirely sure why I’m waking up until I taste sherbert – my body remembers the harsh edge of vodka and how I pushed my body on survival; my muscles remember the ache in my torso as my body dutifully worked at expelling all of the poison I’d thrown at it. My eyes fly open – not unlike gaining consciousness in the ER bed with no control over my body’s activities – but it’s a muscle level flashback.

I’m alone and lying on a dark wood floor. Outside of arm’s reach, a broken bottle of Fireball whiskey that looks like it was never opened. I slowly crawl around the liquid and reach for the larger pieces of bottle very sure that I don’t want to just leave broken glass on the floor. My stomach muscles contract again (muscle level flashback), and I know that I’m not supposed to touch the bottle.

Pijača certainly made an impression as she left (I usually don’t get dreams that pull from my memories this vividly). I don’t feel like I’m in danger of repeating the questionable alcoholic overdose scenario from about a year ago (mentioned a while back, but definitely not new news here) right now, but my People want me to err on the side of caution for the foreseeable future. With Pijača gone, I don’t know if They’re uneasy at the lack of supervision or what. Just consistently getting a “come back after getting your mental illness ducks in a row” response.

Fin: Sunna

I was prompted to return to daily and weekly prayers post-Burning, but I admittedly didn’t get very far before updates started happening. All but the last stanza of Sunna-Rise by Michaela Macha was asked for on a weekly morning basis, while the refrain and dusk stanzas from The Four Adorations by Sophie Reicher was asked for on a weekly evening basis (both on Sundays). On a daily basis, I was asked to return to the “Sunna Prayer Cycle for the Day” by Raven Kaldera that I started out with for Sunna*.

Going forward, I don’t have much in terms of actual requests in order to indirectly honor Sunna because Her previous requests have sort of been filtered away to other People – observing Årsväntan ((may appear without accents here)) and building a yoga practice (no way a solar deity is going to pass up the Sun Salutation).

From what I can tell, it doesn’t seem like She minds sharing or passing off requests because She’s the sun. Anytime I’m in the sun or taking my vitamin D supplement, I’m indirectly honoring Her. She also has the latent energy of Her tag here, on tumblr, and on the Vanic shrine.

. . .

(*) When I first copied “Sunna Prayer Cycle for the Day” down (2013), it was listed online, but it’s been removed because it’s now in a devotional book, Candles in the Cave: Northern Tradition Paganism for Prisoners compiled by Raven Kaldera.

Words to Remember Angrboda By

on being raised on fairy tales in which you are the monster // a. m. h. (Source.) There’s a little bit of commentary by a Dark Side poster (Star Wars) that I wanted to pull out:

IME, looking other villains in the eye and thinking “family,” and looking at the people who tried to make you hate your own and thinking “I’m not YOURS,“ is both a matter of pride and a matter of sheer survival.

Fin: Odin

((I bet you thought you saw the last of me ))

I wasn’t really expecting a new Face while I was trying to figure out what to do in the clean up of /A\ leaving, but Odin decided to give it a go. I was prompted to return to weekly prayers post-Burning, but I admittedly didn’t get very far before updates started happening. For Odin, I was directed to Rúnatýr by Sarenth Odinsson to be said on Wednesdays.

Yup, a rune-associated Face turned very briefly towards me. I was initially given the green light on learning a set of runes, but it didn’t take very long in the rounds of updates and conferences to have that revoked. However, my rune tattoo taboo has been altered – spelling out a name (or perhaps a phrase) is permissable, but I can’t do anything ‘magical’.

I really didn’t know this Face before He needed to Leave, and I’m not sure I can say that I really know Odin. He seems to like to figure out a way to come back a lot, but there’s enough of a change from one Face to another that I haven’t indirectly honored Him. He claimed past blood donations, so I no longer have that area of debt (mentioned in relation to previous Faces). Going forward, He’d like to leave a suggestion that if I fall in love with learning about a subject that Someone has requested then I can stave off the cranky, ‘I’m only doing this because You want me to’ trap of requested activity.

Fin: Frigga

I was prompted to return to weekly prayers post-Burning, but I admittedly didn’t get very far before updates started happening. For Frigga, I was directed to Hymn to Frigg by Michaela Macha to be said on an alternating Friday schedule.

I kind of feel like I never really got to know Frigga because I was in different lockdowns, things were updating, or People were Leaving. For the relatively brief time we interacted, I was mainly asked to Adult to the best of my abilities for Her. Striving for independence instead of relying on someone else is the large picture means of indirectly honoring Her, even as we officially part ways going forward.

Fin: Freya

I was prompted to return to weekly prayers post-Burning, but I admittedly didn’t get very far before updates started happening. I was supposed to say a prayer for Freya on an alternating Friday schedule, but She didn’t convey Her pick before updates closed this down.

I know there’s more to Freya than what I’ve shared here (queer friendly and helping cats), especially since others seem to talk about the badass warrior, own your sexuality, seidr working aspects, but I never really personally got any of that. I wasn’t slated to get a certain side (seidr), or I was afraid on some level and delayed a side. I know there are areas that She would’ve liked to get to in shadow work, but they aren’t exclusive to directly interacting with Her (learning how to love myself, including myself in body positivity, uninstalling negative romantic and/or sexual conditioning, etc).

It’s not like I’ve missed my window of time for learning or unlearning, and for better or worse, I don’t think I actually can avoid any of those topics She wanted to bring up. Even though She’s leaving and I won’t be directly interacting with Her, Someone else will nudge at shadow work, or I’ll reach my last straw and be motivated to do something on my own. It’s not an if so much as a when I’ll finally get around to these areas.

More in the realm of parting requests, Freya would like me to help a charity or organization, like Others have requested, but She doesn’t want to indicate any particular one animal program over another – “a local animal shelter / org / charity / etc”. She also has the latent energy from Her tags here, on tumblr, and on the Vanic sideblog.

Fin: Frey

I was prompted to return to weekly prayers post-Burning, but I admittedly didn’t get very far before updates started happening. For Frey, I was directed to Prayer for the Son of Vanaheim by Ari to be said on an alternating Friday schedule. It’s a bit more removed Face than I previously interacted with because I was far more focused on His Light in the Dark aspects.

I know there’s more to Frey than Light in the Dark, gardening,and being queer supportive, but certain associations come to mind before others (and for me, these are it). Going forward there’s more than one area where I could still honor Frey without direct interaction, but Frey has left with a particular nudge towards a charity aimed at ending world hunger*, Action Against Hunger. He also has the latent energy from His tag here, on tumblr, and the Vanic shrine tag.

(* This certainly isn’t the only charity with this goal, and this doesn’t trump any locally aimed efforts or other charities and organizations dealing with food distribution in terms of support.)

Ending a Chapter on an Ellipsis

I have spent a fair bit of time compiling information on the Vanir and Jotnar that related to my path (UPG), which did include info that were seeds from others. Y’know, all that stuff that probably seemed weird – Families, Tribes, Tolkien crossover with the Vanir (including Quenya or Tolkien Elvish), the separate but interconnected calendars of holy days. People have been slowly trimming away elements that snuck in from other people, but with all The Burning and stuff, it’s been more like They just want me to walk away now.

It’s not that everything was false; it’s almost like I was getting a set of Faces where that info was true and now new Faces have turned. I’ve been hoping that I don’t seem too jaded to Them, but at a certain point, I can’t make guarantees. There’s this thing where I wind up attracting expected Faces instead of actually getting through to the Face I was supposed to, and They’ve always planned on stripping away unnecessary outside influence, and Burning and Leaving just exponentially sped this up.

I’m honestly more tired than anything. It’s like I’m in this halfway stage where all I can really see is all of the debt that I have to repay to different People before They can officially and permanently Leave. Anyways, some of that debt involves activity and final posts here on WP.