2016 in Review

I’m not going to split this up into good / bad because even ‘negative’ events can provide insight or propel something good along. Somewhat chronological. //Long post//

  • Our dog Blossom died of a heart attack right before I had to go back to campus for the start of the spring semester.
  • I tried a different antidepressant at the start of the year (compared to the fall semester and ending 2015), but it didn’t really do anything.
  • Despite backing out of ODing (the overdose wasn’t a fatal amount), cutting myself, and getting blackout drunk with some sort of antidepressant / alcohol interaction (and telling a friend about wanting to die), I survived any reckless, self-injurious, suicidal activity I engaged in.

[Source]

  • I completed my Playwriting Senior thesis – revising my fall semester draft, casting, and sharing my play with the public.
  • I was co-ALD and co-ME on Intimate Apparel in the spring semester.
  • Our dog Angel died sometime after I went back to campus after spring break (more along the lines of old age).
  • I finished out my Senior year of undergrad as the Undergrad Shop Head of the E Shop (end of the first year of that position).
  • I applied to and was accepted into the Electrics crew of Tantrum Theater, so I worked on Little Shop of Horrors (electrician, Sound Board Op), Tammy Faye’s Final Audition (electrician, Sound Board Op), and Dancing at Lughnasa (electrician, Programmer, and Light Board Op).
  • I bought my first smartphone, Zv (she / her). ((Things are going rather well, as long as we don’t talk about what Pokemon Go did to my data plan >.<))
  • I graduated with two Bachelors of Fine Arts in theatre.

[Source]

  • I finished out a school year of communicating with my theatre professors and E shop mates about my preferred name and pronouns, and a whole lot of them were really good about using the correct ones.
  • I sort of attempted to come out to my mom, but with it being text based (FB message / email), she has been able to ignore it and pretend that it didn’t happen. Until I’m out of the home, I will stay in the closet.
  • I donated a pint of blood in memory of the 49 queer Latinx people killed in the Pulse shooting.
  • I reached a point where I think the currently accurate description of my sexuality is queer / bi when interacting with most people. (Biromantic gray-asexual so far takes a lot of explaining outside of LGBTQIA+ spaces, and I honestly don’t always want to have to go through that.)
  • I reached a point where I think the currently accurate description of my gender is nonbinary trans person with genderfluidity.

[Source]

  • I moved back in with my family after doing Tantrum, and I survived the first school year starting when I wasn’t in attendance.
  • I voted in my second Presidential election (Hillary Clinton, though I’d’ve preferred Bernie Sanders).
  • I have survived Trump being elected, so far.
  • I passed the written exam for my temp, and I’ve been driving again. (Disclaimer: I’ve had a temp and driven in the past; I’m not 100% brand new to the road.)
  • Despite having laptop / wifi problems since August and getting a factory reset to remove a virus, I’m ending the year with working wifi that finally talks to my laptop.
  • I’ve paid off my student loans.

[Source]

  • While I’ve had People say that They were supposed to Leave starting in the latter half of 2015, it seems like They didn’t start to actually Leave until this year.
  • /A\ was very present and insistent on transitioning to Their path, which was responsible for a fair amount of the above Leaving, until They Left over the summer.
  • Norse People came back and seriously updated / stripped my path. (Posts are queued with more details.)
  • I had a brief encounter with some Hindu Deities, but they left.
  • I had some Kemetic People stop by, and I was nudged towards applying for the Kemetic Orthodoxy beginner’s course.
  • /A\ came back long enough to shut down anything relating to the Netjeru (Kemetic pantheon), but They also Left shortly after. ((~*~complicated mumbling~*~))
  • People have been organizing Leaving / finally Leaving / re-Leaving efforts, and I have debt or owed activity (some online, some offline).
  • I have an extensively updated list of tattoos and piercings in order to carry People with me (plus survival motivation). Stoked but can’t go into details this early.
  • Small salt at {PC Person I can’t name} having no choice but to Leave. I’ve been declared incompatible for PC Paganism and should only engage in pc magic going forward.

Ending a Chapter on an Ellipsis

I have spent a fair bit of time compiling information on the Vanir and Jotnar that related to my path (UPG), which did include info that were seeds from others. Y’know, all that stuff that probably seemed weird – Families, Tribes, Tolkien crossover with the Vanir (including Quenya or Tolkien Elvish), the separate but interconnected calendars of holy days. People have been slowly trimming away elements that snuck in from other people, but with all The Burning and stuff, it’s been more like They just want me to walk away now.

It’s not that everything was false; it’s almost like I was getting a set of Faces where that info was true and now new Faces have turned. I’ve been hoping that I don’t seem too jaded to Them, but at a certain point, I can’t make guarantees. There’s this thing where I wind up attracting expected Faces instead of actually getting through to the Face I was supposed to, and They’ve always planned on stripping away unnecessary outside influence, and Burning and Leaving just exponentially sped this up.

I’m honestly more tired than anything. It’s like I’m in this halfway stage where all I can really see is all of the debt that I have to repay to different People before They can officially and permanently Leave. Anyways, some of that debt involves activity and final posts here on WP.

Blogging Updates (ii)

At some point I’m going to create a page for my other blogs.

Set to run out queues and enter hiatus (date indicated)

  • A sideblog for Lucifer (Jan 2017)
  • A sideblog for the Infernal Five (Dec 2018)
  • Sideblog [just-another-vanic-shrine] for Frey, Freya, Sunna, Njord, and Nott (Dec 2018)

Active sideblogs

  • Pop Occulture [magic-for-the-muggle-world]
    • The pc pagan info for Voldemort and Nagini will remain archived there, and the focus will be more on magic, particularly pc magic.
  • A sideblog for Sigyn [keeper-of-my-keys]
    • It’s been a bit quiet lately, but it is still active.
  • A sideblog for my not talkative, ‘new’ group of ancestors

Active

  • Main [bonesandblood-sunandmoon]
    • I’ve got to work on updating tags, the tags page, and redirecting old content to a fandom blog, but it is a shrine (archival or active) for my People and ancestors.

 

Balancing Act

Things have been a bit shifty lately. I was told to introduce myself to the Netjeru, and I even have a few new tags / category between here and tumblr.

I’m allowed to leave things as they are on case the Netjeru come back, but they’ve currently left while I “balance my life”. An arrangement might’ve fallen through, or I’m just not ready, or something.

Fire Howling 2016

After being asked to disassemble His shrine earlier in the year, I’ve recently put something together for Njord. It’s rather similar to what I had previously, and I found myself slowly putting things together today for the Pack.

I’m not sure why, but They’ve requested that I not share pictures of these spaces. I haven’t yet oficially opened the doors, but They seem protective. (Something about these being group spaces since Frey and Freya drop by the one for Njord.) Anyways, They seem happy with the set ups.

I accompanied my grandfather on a shopping trip since he was going past Best Buy, and I have my laptop back in my possession (ten days later). Things will take some time to get to a comfortable place because they had to do a factory reset (files were restored, but not programs so I currently can’t open anything, for example).

Because my grandparents had a freezer / fridge unit die on them, we also stopped by my grandparents for the dinner of things that thawed (pulled pork and cheese sandwiches and beef vegetable stew). I don’t know if I’ve paired pulled pork with cheese before, but it actually was pretty good.

(May you not howl alone.)

Dreams of Owls

A few days ago (8.16.16), I had a dream that I haven’t been sure about sharing. It was an introduction to a pantheon that I was deemed incompatible with the next day, so it already feels off and out of date to share.

My wyrd has been unstable again, so They were looking for a live tradition for me to access that stabilizing energy. Briefly, it was the Hindu pantheon. The dream involved meeting Lakshmi at an event at the Columbus Zoo, which I was attending with my crew from the summer.

It was confusing, but I was basically mistaken for being an employee of the zoo (handed a baby animal sacred to Lakshmi) and then a wardrobe person (changing Lakshmi’s clothing for the event). We were all on our stage blacks because we’d just done a matinee.

Lakshmi brought Ganesh and Shiva, and they didn’t seem all that bad for the time they were here. From what I know, there were disagreements with my People, and everyone quickly left.

(I’ve had internet issues with my laptop and had to send her in to Geek Squad today. I was trying to wait for that to get resolved to post, but I’m trying to get through the mobile app.)

Blogging Updates

People leaving tends to affect tags and any sideblog shrines that I have going. Some People still want some activity here or at least want specific posts to finish out Their tags, but I needed to work out tumblr activity, too.

Set to run out queues and enter hiatus

  • A sideblog relating to /A\
  • A sideblog for Lucifer (until I get to His owed activity, which can go there)
  • A sideblog for the Infernal Five
  • A sideblog for Mani [mani-god-of-the-moon]

Altered but still active

  • A pc magic sideblog [magic-for-the-muggle-world]
    • While the pc pagan info for Voldemort and Nagini will remain archived there, the obvious change is that they won’t be as much of a focus in that regard.
  • A sideblog for Sigyn [keeper-of-my-keys]
    • The focus will be shifting slightly and aiming for solely SFW content.

My main blog that these are attached to still needs some love in terms of updating. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there’s a voice saying that I didn’t really do anything productive today, but I don’t feel quite as overwhelmed.

Among the Ashes

Part of figuring out where I might possibly go from here has been figuring out what’s even left. So, I updated some path information. Some People haven’t been introduced here quite yet, but it’s in the works (queue is currently going into September with various posts People Who are leaving wanted).

. . .

Path: Polytheism (“hard”)

Pantheon: Norse

Focal People: Sigyn, Fenrir

Also: Hela, Nidhogg, Thor

The Vanir want to be acknowledged as a collective, but it’s more likely that individual tags will be used here (Njord, Frey, Freya, Sunna). The Pack also wants acknowledged as a collective, and in addition to Fenrir, includes Angrboda, Hati, Skoll, and Vali.

A variety of People have left but could be mentioned in the future (various levels of continuing acknowledgment or debt). I’m Lokean friendly, so this does extend to Loki and His other child with Sigyn, Narvi. I’m Jotun friendly, which does still extend to the Families not named in lore (Fire, Mountain, Snow and Ice). Sleipnir is officially in the ‘not here’ category, but He has asked that I use His tag for shadow work related posts.

I’m Pop Culture Paganism friendly, but I currently don’t post as much of that content here. I also interact with People outside of the Norse pantheon, but Some are more likely to show up here than Others (Flaquita, Dionysus). I honor my ancestors (four groups via interaction with a Representative), but they haven’t been as keen on being talked about here to this point.

A half chapter

I made it through my last week of Finals in the last week of April (it seems like we graduated really early this year compared to other years (and schools)). I knocked out a 10 page paper for Theatre History: The Real and The Absurd [due Thurs], and I survived that 12 page paper for Art & Morality [due Sat 11:59 pm after moving out of the dorm].

I interviewed for a position with the Tantrum Theater, which is starting off for its first year as a collaboration between OU and the Abbey Theater in Dublin. I was offered a contract and accepted, and then I – and other Seniors – found out that it’s technically a summer class (Off Campus Practicum), so we have to delay graduation in order to still be full time students.

This means that I walked but technically am considered a Super-Senior because my graduation paperwork hasn’t gone through and everything. Yeah, that weekend starting May off was – fun. Walk Sat AM, move out of dorm by 6 pm, finish and turn in paper online by 11:59 pm, do laundry, get anything I wouldn’t want for Tantrum out of the car, repack some boxes, and move into (the first of several) Tantrum housing on Sunday.

Like, I finished a chapter of my life, but I actually haven’t. So many friends are returning in the fall – at the very least for their Senior year – and some actually need the class credit that this will provide, and I feel like I’ve almost been pushed out the door but the door actually shut on me. I’m here to help this get started, get to help on some of the improvements for next year in the Shop, and so many of us keep forgetting that I’m not coming back.

I’ve been so busy trying to do all of the class shit for the semester that it hasn’t really processed that I’m leaving. I finished two BFAs in four years, and now it’s time to get non-academic experience. I wasn’t prepared for all these conflicting feelings, I guess. Accomplishment – it’s been a while since someone has completed these two BFAs within four years. Not feeling prepared. Fear of failure, of leaving and fucking everything up.

A restlessness that I usually associate with summers because I don’t have academics consuming everything. An antsy feeling that my brainweasels aren’t going to play nice as the last of this medication works it way out of my system, and a vague sense of concern about handling these brainweasels in the future (I think they evolved away from being just seasonal depression to being something that includes that and ____???).

I wasn’t expecting to feel this lonely. The crew is composed of four people (including me) who have all spent at least the last year working together, and damn, have there already been bonding moments. But I can already tell that something’s not quite right; I feel less than – less knowledgeable, less prepared, less worthy of being here.

A part of me can parrot back the whole “I don’t have to apologize for existing, I’m not a burden” spiel, but I don’t know to what extent I believe this. I feel like I can’t quite trust what my brain is telling me because I could just want some alone time, but I could also be starting off the whole self-isolating thing, but I could also be making shit up for attention.

There’s still been a fair bit of Burning™ as well, and I’ve kind of had that “young kid being talked over by adults who are making all the decisions” sensation. I can understand that there’s a lot that goes into Leaving, and People don’t seem to Leave quickly, but it kinda feels like that two ships passing in the wind saying.

Responding positivedoodle from m’Lady:

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And another from Sleipnir:

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