Asterisks and Grayness

In which I remember that I try to keep my blogs separated enough that people over here probably didn’t see those Carnival of Aros or Carnival of Aces posts coming. I try to avoid being someone’s first a-spec person (and teaching moment) because 1) I prioritize my Educating Spoons on the gender front, and 2) I don’t consider myself the most ideal example of an a-spec person, who may give allo people an incorrect impression of the ace and aro spectrums.

Does this mean I’m arguably any less a-spec and have somehow become fully and unequivocally allo (whether in the sense of alloromantic, allosexual, or both)? Not necessarily. Some areas of variation just aren’t suitable to 101 discussions, and I really don’t want to have to Educate and then list all of the ways I’m not like the majority of the group I just explained. Some people who use a label just aren’t keen on being the forefront of visibility, awareness, and outreach in that way.

For those who haven’t been struggling to refind the tumblr a-spec community, “allo” isn’t necessarily a label people identify with, but it’s used to refer to people who experience a given flavor of attraction. It’s a bit like how most cis people don’t necessarily identify as cisgender, but there has to be a word to talk about them that isn’t “normal” people. As an all around confusing gray person, the lines between allo/ace and allo/aro can be squiggly, blurry, a bit uncertain if you will.

 

Updates to the about page (accurate as of 10 Sept 2019):

Noteworthy: Gray-ace

My sexual attraction rate / degree / intensity has varied and been influenced by other things over time (ex. body dysphoria), but I’m not going to deny that older posts may use different labels, especially if you poke around on different tumblr blogs. I generally don’t disclose this outside of providing context for interacting with certain ace content because I don’t consider myself the best example for the ace community, and I’d rather avoid becoming a teaching moment where I have to explain how I’m not like most aces to someone.

Noteworthy: Aro spectrum

The best way I can describe it right now – after certain life-changing events, I “lost” the ability to clearly differentiate between when I was feeling something that was romantic or platonic, like damaging an internal sensor. I didn’t lose the sensor, but I can’t read the screen anymore; I suspect wires are now jumbled together, and I’m not sure if “non-normative” romantic expression is setting off unclear results. I would say that I’m greyro (or grayromantic) and quoiromantic in terms of recognized labels.

A-spec intracommunity note: I try to keep aro-spec blogging on one tumblr dash where it’s separate from the ace blogging on another because I don’t connect being aro and being ace. I don’t call myself aroace; when I’m in an ace area, I refer to myself as gray-ace and that’s it, and when I’m in an aro area, I only refer to myself as greyro, quoiromantic, and/or aro-spec. I’d rather opt out of describing my sexuality in the aro community to the extent that I can.

Forewarning

Have I finished backdating fic? Nope.

Have I decided to crosspost and backdate Carnival of Aros posts? Yes.

Have I decided to write for my first Carnival of Aces prompt? Yes, but I can’t put it on the tumblr where I post the aro content*. Or the fandom tumblr that’s more kinky ace flavored where I’m opening myself up to the anti-kink people or (pro/anti/anti anti?) shipping people [fandom related].

(Some a-spec people aren’t comfortable with kink, but it’s a relatively small amount who are overlapping into ‘anti-kink and letting you know’ territory, which in part overlaps with the shipping issues. It’s a bit of a long explanation, tbh, but basically, I really don’t want to draw someone’s attention in case it sets off dogpiling.)

So, there’s going to be a new tag for such content here: carnivals round tables etc.

 

(*) Basically, I don’t describe myself as aroace and combine content. I talk about aro (sexual orientation undisclosed) stuff with the aro community, and I talk about ace (romantic orientation undisclosed) stuff with the ace community. I know this seems a bit odd to keep this so separate, but personally, it works because I don’t consider them to be connected.

Good Enough.

I had a very distinct moment of starting to reblog the cross-post on tumblr before I realized it’d be more appropriate over here. (Granted, I haven’t intersected with the Kemetic community in well over three years, but the basic idea fits with my recent lack of activity in the vaguely Norse flavored something-or-other where I am.)

Mystical Bewilderment

Alternative Title: The Kemetic Community needs to up its content game.

This past week, I attended a leadership conference through my job. This is the second year that I’ve gone and as a result, there will be a few posts based on things I learned about at the conference. As always, as I listened to the various leaders from various countries and background present, I took studious notes, not necessarily for myself, but because I wanted to take what I was learning and use that to help the wider community.

TTR is right – the community does need to do better. And if that means I can impart, perhaps, some form of wisdom to one person at the very right time because I spent two days wearing uncomfortable clothes watching people talk about leadership? Then, I’m fine with that. I’ll go next year and the year after until I finally…

View original post 1,843 more words

Writing Projects NOS

I’ve been chipping away at chapter uploading here (backdating) and on tumblr because I fell out of the habit of posting progress after tumblr’s policy update, figuring out imports, and trying to get back to blogging. I don’t particularly want to have a separate writing project tag here for each story or fanfic I work on, but I don’t want to ignore them just because Someone didn’t claim them. So I’m putting them off “Other Writing Projects” (new submenu) for now.

Writing Projects

-> Kintsugi

-> Darkling (series) – Part One: Ophiuchus

-> Other Writing Projects

–>> Veela – Le Coeur du Soldat: Soldier’s Heart (series) – Part One: Step 1: Honesty

–>> Rats – Grey Shades of Love

The big difference in terms of how I may write about these stories here is that I’m not going to do the full intro, chapter specific, and excerpts in individual posts route as the stories upload. If they’re mentioned at all, it’s just whatever I may think is relevant (f’ex, from “Rats”, Transmogrification Potion as HRT proxy because there’s no way that trans witches, wizards, and wixen somehow magically do not exist in the Wizarding world).

Hopes for 2019

2019 Divination

To save time and mental energy during the reading itself for 2019 (‘the year ahead’ type), I got the names for the cards I pulled for each month and the overall year (roughly speaking, a positive and cautionary warning) without delving into the specifics of the card’s meaning. I need to go back and get the relevant info before I can share a little bit of the year ahead results with pics. I might try to have some sort of #divination and communication post once a month, but I can’t make a guarantee (from one month to the next, I may not have clearance to share publicly).

Knitting

While I associate it with People Who have Left (and continuing to knit is a bit of a shoutout without officially honoring Them), it’s also a somewhat relaxing hobby. Somewhat aka ‘wtf does that abbreviation mean’, ‘guess I’m taking a break because the cat decided she needed to sleep on the yarn, the project itself, and try to become one with the needles’, ‘casting on is generally a once per project deal, so why are you assuming I remember how to do that after knitting this ____ for three months’, and ‘why do these patterns assume I have Every needle so I can easily switch out in-progress, do you know how expensive interchangeable kits are’. I would like to aim for a #knitting post once a week (hopefully with pics).

Misc. Thoughts

Kink. Gender. Queer. Service. There can be an overlap with polytheism (devotional power dynamics, f’ex), but some of it is more me poking at things I also fall under or run into (#kinky and/or bdsm, #trans or gnc). I’m not an educator, and I certainly can’t speak on behalf of a community, but I might go stir-crazy keeping everything to myself. I already have a few #reviews and opinions posts in mind (two books), and fingers crossed, I hope to have the funds for something off my book list this year. I’d also like to aim for one of these posts once a week.

Wibbly-wobbly, gendery-wendery

Late night contemplating of gender with my shadow selves

Part of why I hung onto pigeonholing myself into being a binary trans man is that I didn’t really know what else I could be, and the confusion was more scary than the dissatisfaction at not feeling comfortable with just being a trans man (because I thought I had to be FtM in order to be trans). It took more learning about the trans community and who all feel under this umbrella, and I ran into an umbrella for those who aren’t female or male all the time, nonbinary, and a bunch of specific names for gender identities.

Because I do not identify with the gender I was assigned at birth based on my genitalia, I am trans. I fought hard to accept that, and I will always claim that first.

220px-transgender_pride_flag-svg (Trans flags wiki)

I don’t identify as solely a man or a woman all of the time, so I eventually claimed nonbinary (AFAIK it’s a more acceptable umbrella term than genderqueer – even though genderqueer was first used in this manner – because not everyone has reclaimed queer).

120px-non-binary_pride_flag (Nonbinary flag) | tumblr_o29e9q7od71qdz3q6o1_500 (Genderqueer flag)

It really tripped me up when I was first questioning my gender that I had fleeting moments of feeling one way then another, but I eventually started to realize that I’m genderfluid.

120px-genderfluidity_pride-flag-svg (Genderfluid flag)

I kept running into all of these lists with these gender labels I’d never heard of, and I could conditionally identify with quite a few of them, but I never could identify with just one all of the time. I found it more confusing than helpful until I started to accept some degree of genderfluidity. While I can grasp at some internal feelings and perceptions, I don’t consider any of these moments that could warrant a specific label to be present long enough to justify detailed sharing with others or official claiming.

Moments (not a complete list) with example colors

  • “Both [M+W] to point of neither”
    • I’ve used comparisons to purple
  • Occasionally more masc / femme
    • Shades of purple towards blue / pink
  • Not on the binary (emphasis on the Otherness of above “neither”)
    • Green (not on the blue – pink binary at all)
  • A neutrality or sense of not being able to specify
    • Gray, hazy or blurry if unable to specify
  • Gender doesn’t matter or not able to internally detect a gender
    • Note: Specific to episodes / fluctuation of depression
    • The whiteness of a blank space

Range of label names possible (not exclusive for each option)

  • Genderqueer, bigender, nonbinary (outside of umbrella usage), androgyne
  • Trans masculine, butch / femme, demigender (demiboy, demigirl), genderflux
  • Genderqueer, nonbinary
  • Neutrois, agender
  • Some type of neurogender (gender is specific to neurodivergence / mental health)

I have nothing against people who want to use multiple labels and feel comfortable with using a specific label instead of nonbinary and/or genderqueer, but I don’t want to have to match up moments with a wide range of names for any particular one moment. I’m honestly not very good at on the spot detection (esp on a daily basis) and don’t want to get into “what” I am now with someone if I change up my presentation and get read as more of something. I know the wide range of options can help someone name their experience and find others with that gender experience (community is important), but right now, I don’t feel like finding the exact perfect label(s) will actually help me or help most people understand me.

Regarding the ‘most people’ bit, I’m not trying to sound 2edgy4u. I have family who don’t even seem to accept trans identities as an actual thing and struggle with understanding binary trans people. Even with the stereotype of ‘being born in the wrong body’ that the media loves, I don’t think they actually understand how being trans is different from drag (this is based on actual comments they have made). I honestly am bracing myself for my family to not understand and reject that I’m trans and nonbinary, full stop.

Frankly, quite a few people I’ve encountered just don’t think about gender identities or voluntarily look into ‘niche’ topics like all the possibilities under the nonbinary and genderqueer umbrella unless they’ve questioned their gender or are trans. Perhaps I’m expecting too little of some, but I’ve been relieved when someone has understood trans and nonbinary as umbrella terms. I feel like I’m just waiting for the completely oblivious non-relative to equate trans people and drag performers, and I’m honestly not always prepared to go into teacher mode.

In sum: Still trans. Nonbinary → Genderqueer + Genderfluid. I am a nonbinary trans person who is genderqueer with some genderfluidity. Outside of situations where I need to remain closeted, I prefer they / their pronouns.

(Pretty sure WP source deleted their imported post)

It’s a bit surreal stumbling across a post where you’re the OP, but I’m reblogging here to keep track of my response (edited to include link) and give my WP followers a heads up on some new content as different sideblogs get consolidated here.

Edited to include my tumblr response because I think the WP source deleted their imported post:

Writing Project: Kintsugi

This blog post is accurate as of 24 Dec 2018, but the most updated version will be at the Writing Project: Kintsugi page. I backdated the individual chapter posts to reduce the sensation of being spammed, and those posts only share basic chapter info (tags, author notes, the historical or factual basis for details) and sfw excerpts. ((I’ve got some personal headcanons for this fic and fan theory that I kind of reuse among fics that deal with Wizarding history and world building expansion, and I don’t want an inability to read the fic itself to get in the way of those.))

Admittedly, this is not what most people are following me here for, so it’s okay if it’s not your cup of tea. I have some au / backstory that gets into some more pagan / polytheist flavored material that might be a little more interesting for you guys, but the brunt of that is for future chapters (I’ve got some divinity allusions to seed that in the current chapters, but that’s it so far).

First posted: 6 Oct 2018     | Last updated: 9 Nov 2018     | WIP (6 / ?)

Ch 1: Auction (Aug 1) [ao3] || WP post

Ch 2: Acceptance (Aug 2) [ao3] || WP post

Ch 3: Acquiescence (Aug 3) [ao3] || WP post

Ch 4: The Dragon’s Tail (Aug 4) [ao3] || WP post

Ch 5: București (Aug 5) [ao3] || WP post

Ch 6: Vulnera Sanentur (Aug 6) [ao3] || WP post

While I am very aware that there is content that some people may not be comfortable with in their fics, I wrote here about why I started this fic and why I’m starting to post it now. For those who didn’t read that post, the important tags to pay attention to in terms of trigger or content warnings are Past Rape/Non-con and Rape Recovery.

Ship(s): Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Original Male Character(s)

Tags: Sexual Slavery, Master/Slave, BDSM, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Post-War, Past Rape/Non-con, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Non-Sexual Submission, Non-Sexual Kink, Rape Recovery, Dom/sub, Dom Draco Malfoy, Sub Harry Potter, Non-Sexual Intimacy

Added: [3] Kink Negotiation, [4] Impact Play, Spanking, [5] Public Sex, Safewording, [6] Communication, Consent Issues

Notes: Inspired by a Master/slave fic that features Harry spending the summer at the dragon reserve with Charlie in Romania, an emotion based headhunting experience, and a training school for slaves among other elements. Reading “Playing with Fire” is not necessary to understand this story. The erotic performance venue described in Ch 5 comes from another fic (Sherlock the Model), but it is not necessary to read it to understand this fic.

Summary: The darkness of the black blindfold was disconcerting, but Harry tried his best not to tap his fingers or move his arms, knowing the deep blue scarf wound around his wrists was more for show than actual restraint and could come undone under too much fidgeting. Prospective buyers had to be able to test their range of motion or something along those lines. Harry had heard different footsteps and hushed whispering for the most part in Romanian, but no one had stopped to inspect him closer, to touch, or to speak to him. Someone in line had shifted and their leather shorts squeaked, but there hadn’t seemed to be very many sounds of anyone being inspected. A fluttering nervousness had crept into the young man’s gut. The private viewing before the auction officially started was rather like an auction for the particularly wealthy clients, and Matei hadn’t prepared him for this anticipation. Would Matei’s starting offer hold up against one of their offers?

Link to Spotify playlist for this fic ~

Vanic Import

I have a bad feeling I’m going to be dealing with a lot of double posting because I cross posted some of these between tumblr and WP. My apologies for the mess, but it’ll take a bit to get just-another-vanic-shrine situated and edit imported tags.

Tags from current version featuring Frey, Freya, Njord, Nott, and Sunna:

  • admin note
  • Faces
  • offerings: edible
  • offerings
  • Holidays
  • the bounty of land and sea (for that which is edible to non-humans)
  • beekult (bees, beekeeping, and such)
  • deerkult (antlers, deer, reindeer, etc.)
  • whalekult (various species of whales)
  • florakult (plants, flowers, herbs, trees, etc.)
  • sacred ink (tattoos)
  • return to the sea (ocean, ships, sea creatures)
  • twix land and sea (seashore, lighthouses)
  • return to the land (forests, farms, gardens)
  • repairing our world (sustainability efforts)
  • renewable energy (general)
  • spacekult (space, meteor showers, stars)
  • she wears the moon (lunar related)
  • Individual names: Njord, Frey, Freya, Nott, Sunna.

. . .

Leftover tags from Mani portion:

  • Lunar Faces (lunar related)
  • Activities: cooking
  • Movies & tv shows (gifsets)
  • Stuffie (stuffed animals)
  • Void-of-course (calming stuff, coping mechanisms, encouragement, etc.)
  • sfw

 

Import Progress

It took somewhere in the range of 4 – 5 days for my–angel–of–music to import, so I manually cross posted and backdated some (but not all) of the content for the-unholy-pentagram. I’ve got tags and Categories for both (parented under Fossilized Leaves, for archival posts). (Why? Perhaps it’s just a quirk in my brain, but it makes sense for content that spans more than sideblog or actually fits with other tags as well.)

the-unholy-pentagram: Posts from a shrine for the Infernal Five from a pov of theistic Satanism, starting in June 2015 (queue will run out this month). Lilith, Eve, Baphomet (Satan), Belial (the Devil), and Samael.

By doing it by hand, I was able to control the categorization and tagging for the-unholy-pentagram, so I temporarily have a bunch of Uncategorized stuff in new tags for my–angel–of–music. Some tags will be combined, while others will be kept (see below). It does seem like a lot of work on this side, but I find it easier to edit tags here in WP rather than on tumblr, so I’m just going to leave my tags alone for another import for just-another-vanic-shrine (for Frey, Freya, Nott, Sunna, and Njord).

Tags that already existed:

  • admin note
  • offerings
  • altar or shrine
  • path resources

Tags that will be edited to fit existing WP tagging:

  • writings –> writing as an offering
  • Applied Luciferianism Project –> writing as an offering

New tags thanks to this blog:

  • writing prompt
  • luciferian ally

Tags that will be combined into my–angel–of–music:

  • Peacock Angel: For all your peacock needs.
  • Angel of Music: Violin imagery, music, etc; classical music
  • Phantom: Phantom of the Opera associations
  • Mockingjay Rebellion: Mockingjay associations, rebellion, resistance, etc.
  • a light in the darkness: Mental illness, depression, coping, etc.
  • Faces
  • snake
  • apples
  • lightning
  • winter
  • angels