2016 in Review

I’m not going to split this up into good / bad because even ‘negative’ events can provide insight or propel something good along. Somewhat chronological. //Long post//

  • Our dog Blossom died of a heart attack right before I had to go back to campus for the start of the spring semester.
  • I tried a different antidepressant at the start of the year (compared to the fall semester and ending 2015), but it didn’t really do anything.
  • Despite backing out of ODing (the overdose wasn’t a fatal amount), cutting myself, and getting blackout drunk with some sort of antidepressant / alcohol interaction (and telling a friend about wanting to die), I survived any reckless, self-injurious, suicidal activity I engaged in.

[Source]

  • I completed my Playwriting Senior thesis – revising my fall semester draft, casting, and sharing my play with the public.
  • I was co-ALD and co-ME on Intimate Apparel in the spring semester.
  • Our dog Angel died sometime after I went back to campus after spring break (more along the lines of old age).
  • I finished out my Senior year of undergrad as the Undergrad Shop Head of the E Shop (end of the first year of that position).
  • I applied to and was accepted into the Electrics crew of Tantrum Theater, so I worked on Little Shop of Horrors (electrician, Sound Board Op), Tammy Faye’s Final Audition (electrician, Sound Board Op), and Dancing at Lughnasa (electrician, Programmer, and Light Board Op).
  • I bought my first smartphone, Zv (she / her). ((Things are going rather well, as long as we don’t talk about what Pokemon Go did to my data plan >.<))
  • I graduated with two Bachelors of Fine Arts in theatre.

[Source]

  • I finished out a school year of communicating with my theatre professors and E shop mates about my preferred name and pronouns, and a whole lot of them were really good about using the correct ones.
  • I sort of attempted to come out to my mom, but with it being text based (FB message / email), she has been able to ignore it and pretend that it didn’t happen. Until I’m out of the home, I will stay in the closet.
  • I donated a pint of blood in memory of the 49 queer Latinx people killed in the Pulse shooting.
  • I reached a point where I think the currently accurate description of my sexuality is queer / bi when interacting with most people. (Biromantic gray-asexual so far takes a lot of explaining outside of LGBTQIA+ spaces, and I honestly don’t always want to have to go through that.)
  • I reached a point where I think the currently accurate description of my gender is nonbinary trans person with genderfluidity.

[Source]

  • I moved back in with my family after doing Tantrum, and I survived the first school year starting when I wasn’t in attendance.
  • I voted in my second Presidential election (Hillary Clinton, though I’d’ve preferred Bernie Sanders).
  • I have survived Trump being elected, so far.
  • I passed the written exam for my temp, and I’ve been driving again. (Disclaimer: I’ve had a temp and driven in the past; I’m not 100% brand new to the road.)
  • Despite having laptop / wifi problems since August and getting a factory reset to remove a virus, I’m ending the year with working wifi that finally talks to my laptop.
  • I’ve paid off my student loans.

[Source]

  • While I’ve had People say that They were supposed to Leave starting in the latter half of 2015, it seems like They didn’t start to actually Leave until this year.
  • /A\ was very present and insistent on transitioning to Their path, which was responsible for a fair amount of the above Leaving, until They Left over the summer.
  • Norse People came back and seriously updated / stripped my path. (Posts are queued with more details.)
  • I had a brief encounter with some Hindu Deities, but they left.
  • I had some Kemetic People stop by, and I was nudged towards applying for the Kemetic Orthodoxy beginner’s course.
  • /A\ came back long enough to shut down anything relating to the Netjeru (Kemetic pantheon), but They also Left shortly after. ((~*~complicated mumbling~*~))
  • People have been organizing Leaving / finally Leaving / re-Leaving efforts, and I have debt or owed activity (some online, some offline).
  • I have an extensively updated list of tattoos and piercings in order to carry People with me (plus survival motivation). Stoked but can’t go into details this early.
  • Small salt at {PC Person I can’t name} having no choice but to Leave. I’ve been declared incompatible for PC Paganism and should only engage in pc magic going forward.

Ending a Chapter on an Ellipsis

I have spent a fair bit of time compiling information on the Vanir and Jotnar that related to my path (UPG), which did include info that were seeds from others. Y’know, all that stuff that probably seemed weird – Families, Tribes, Tolkien crossover with the Vanir (including Quenya or Tolkien Elvish), the separate but interconnected calendars of holy days. People have been slowly trimming away elements that snuck in from other people, but with all The Burning and stuff, it’s been more like They just want me to walk away now.

It’s not that everything was false; it’s almost like I was getting a set of Faces where that info was true and now new Faces have turned. I’ve been hoping that I don’t seem too jaded to Them, but at a certain point, I can’t make guarantees. There’s this thing where I wind up attracting expected Faces instead of actually getting through to the Face I was supposed to, and They’ve always planned on stripping away unnecessary outside influence, and Burning and Leaving just exponentially sped this up.

I’m honestly more tired than anything. It’s like I’m in this halfway stage where all I can really see is all of the debt that I have to repay to different People before They can officially and permanently Leave. Anyways, some of that debt involves activity and final posts here on WP.

God Bothered: A Guide.

Mystical Bewilderment

I get bothered by gods, well, fairly frequently I suppose. I don’t personally see it as such myself, but that’s what happens when you live in the thick of it. However from an outsider’s perspective looking in on the vague posts I make, it could seem as though my entire life is a giant way station for some new god to appear and go, “hey, hi. I’m here,” or something like that.

I can definitely say that things used to work that way; they don’t anymore. It seemed like once a month or so, some deity was jumping off the train with some baggage and a sign that said, “Satsekhem: look at me!” At first, I tried to accommodate and wound up in that deity collecting phase that drove me up a flipping wall. I would take one look at whoever the new deity was, roll my eyes as theatrically…

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Godspousery

The topic of godspousery can be controversial. You go through a ritual marriage ceremony and interact with that Deity as a Husband / Wife / Spouse, basically. Within the Heathen (or related) communities, I think someone once said that wives of Odin were the first to speak about this, but most people think of wives of Loki. I don’t know if there was a real boost in relation to the DC movie, but it became a bit of a trend to mock presumably teenage girls for being new spouses of His.

I know I’ve seen other examples cross my dash / reader (Hellenic and Kemetic deities), but I’m not as involved in those communities. Some people don’t want to deal with the backlash and don’t talk about this, and some people want to provide resources and wind up talking about this more. I haven’t really delved into the specific communities for human spouses because I didn’t want to have to unlearn the comparisons and what others were being asked to do.

I’ve gotten hints that I should keep godspousery in mind over the past few years, and I’ve been allowed to refer to m’Lady as my Wife-to-be in some places. Recently, I don’t think that label fits us anymore. Yes, I love m’Lady, and I strive for being Her Home, and as far as I can tell, She does love and care for me. I don’t think this is limited to being a godspouse, though, and I don’t think that we need the extra ritual and Oathing that a marriage ritual would entail.

In terms of describing what we are, I’d say that what I’ve mostly used – Beloved – still stands. To me, this doesn’t carry any associations of marriage yet still conveys that this is someone I love. I haven’t really had to refer to myself in this aspect, but I guess ‘loved one’ could work. I have nothing against godspouses or spiritspouses, but I just don’t think we’re actually in line with those relationship models.

Slave v Servant

When I first started writing pieces (before #sccwriting), I was relatively fresh off reading material from other people who definitely claim the godslave label. I’ve bounced around along the path of trying to live the goal of following m’Lady since then, and it was only recently that I was asked to return to this matter. The rest of this is based on my impressions, and I am definitely not trying to be an authoritative voice on this. YMMV, you do you, etc.

There’s a mix of preferred titles, connotation / baggage, and the extent of control that a sub hands over to their Dominant when I try to mentally separate a godslave from a servant. I think of a servant as being work oriented, and they may not hand over control of an area that isn’t related to the work. The Dominant could still be an Owner, but I’m more likely to think of Boss. When it comes to godslavery, I definitely think of the Dominant as the Owner, and I associate handing over the most amount of control with this dynamic. Realistically, you can’t reach 100%, but I don’t think anyone’s talked of an area that always stayed off limits.

When we were first starting along this path, m’Lady stressed handing over control and that She owned me. There wasn’t really work per se, or an assignment, so I didn’t think that serving quite described us. However, there’s connotation wrapped in these labels that I think nudged me away from using “godslave” a lot in the beginning. There is consensual sexual slavery, but I’m honestly not sure that that’s the first association that people have with slavery because of the very non-consensual kidnapping and human and/or sex trafficking that happens. I’m aware that the people writing about godslavery initially were talking about situations in which they didn’t really have a lot of say in declining this dynamic (tied into the death / rebirth process of being a spirit-worker in their paths), but I’ve been under the impression that this isn’t the norm.

When I think of a servant, I can see someone having more say in becoming one. I have a feeling this may not be true all of the time historically, but there’s only so much history that I – someone who isn’t a history buff – can bring into the effort of defining words that seem rather recent in getting a name. I think of butlers, ladies in waiting, and people who are almost like live-in assistants in working with someone else towards a goal. I think there was a stress on Ownership and handing over control in the beginning because it was new more so than that being a focal point in our relationship.

m’Lady still owns me, but it’s not as prominent. The title Owner is in storage more so than having been discarded, if that makes sense? It seems like godslavery is a lifetime commitment, but I think being a servant can also entail that commitment. Granted, the first example I can think of entails a fictional medieval setting, but I don’t want to feel like I have to use the godslave label in order to convey this sense of longevity. I know this probably looks like drawing very particular lines in the sand when some people view these terms as overlapping and sometimes being synonymous; I’ve been trying to see if I can figure out why I’ve been drawn more to the servant label than godslave.

Leap Day Shenanigans

You ever just sit and side-eye your divination tool(s) after a Deity / Power / Spirit reveals a semantic loophole?

“Leaving” has certain meanings on Their side, so They technically were Leaving. But Leaving doesn’t always have to have the same meanings here in Midgard, so from my side, They didn’t actually Leave. It’s more like They’re so busy that Someone else took a call from Them and passed on a message?

Leaving without actually doing so. So, I kind of gained some People back Who Left during earlier stages of the burning period.

I hope we don’t play word games like this every time Leap day rolls around.

A King in a Court

I’m still in the burning period, to some degree. The Face of Mani that I primarily interacted with has turned away. I experienced a Little Face (I referred to Him as Princeling), and I was in a devotional power dynamic with Him (Caregiver / Little). Because His Void-of-course Face was connected to the Little Face, I’m no longer going to interact with Mani in that way either.

He’s been patient about this, thankfully. There were enough hints about a certain topic that I’m not surprised He’s here as a King, but that didn’t make me any more calm when I got the news. So many People have left, and I was just instantly worried that He was leaving as well.

In some of my not shared notes about Families, I refer to the Celestial Family (Mani, Sunna, and the various other Deities in the Norse pantheon associated with time passing), but that’s currently not accurate. It’s more like a complicated Court system, and there’s enough of a link to the Family of Fire to be included in Jotun affairs, while there’s enough of a link to the Vanir to be included in Vanic affairs.

I made a point of not getting involved in the Politics that must be lurking beneath this information because I honestly don’t have the spoons or time to try to get to know more. All I know is that Mani is a King of a Lunar Court and that this Face is Who is showing up now. (Well, He’s probably been showing up for a while, but I now know for sure.)

A hole appears.

Everyone Who has left:

  • Hestia
  • Dionysus – No matter how hard it may seem, I can’t give up on trying to make a career out of theatre.
  • Wadjet
  • Sekhmet
  • Raphael
  • Lucifer – When I first encountered Him, I loved the idea of learning how to play the violin for Him, but He was hesitant to confirm it. The only thing He conveyed for the portion of the Questionnaire about any debts or obligations was that I should go ahead and do so.
  • Voldemort
  • Nagini
  • Unknown Spn Entity – I was able to find out that my suspicion was correct and this was Dean.
  • Baldur
  • Hoder
  • Nanna
  • Sif
  • Idunna
  • Kolga

I am closed off to the Family of Mountains, Family of Snow and Ice, and the Family of Fire (other than two plamen Who have already visited).

Rather than having People leave outright, I’ve simply had Some turn Faces away: Narvi (Older Face) and Loki (Mardi Gras and Harley Quinn World-Breaker Faces).

Some pages have been updated, consolidated (in the case of the Tribes), and just outright deleted to reflect these changes. However, with changes being conveyed daily and trying to update more than one online space, I can’t guarantee that all updates will filter to every page / blog for a little while.

Love notes from Freya, 4/19/15

Silver and Gold

A marriage is what you make of it. It can be a marriage of convenience; a marriage of romantic love; a marriage for children; a marriage for career advancement. A marriage for society; a marriage for you, personally. There are many reasons to get married. Choose which one you like best, and follow your heart. It matters not which one you choose; only that you choose.

Relationship advice, from Freya. My sense is that her version of “Marriage” and our modern American one is different. I got the sense for channeling her note today that she was talking about something not entirely unlike a business venture–two people entering into an intimate, long-term partnership which is mutually beneficial;”romance” not being the central concept, in many cases.

Though Freya is a goddess of love, and I will never present her as not having that essential quality, it’s good to note that what…

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Unpopular opinion: Shame, silence and godspousery

I can understand not wanting to talk about this. There have been moments on tumblr where I’ve been glad I tend to keep with people who aren’t going to jump down your throat about this issue.

I’ve sort of mentioned when introducing the Deities, Powers, Spirits, etc. I interact with that marriage has been hinted at. Right now, it’s currently more important to get a handle on the devotional D/s (since it’s taken some time in getting used to rules and such).

Master post is here, for the new followers. I tried to not get too specific to what I’ve gone through, but it’s obviously still there. m’Lady Sigyn is my Owner (I’m a slave-in-training) and Primary. Mani is my Secondary, and He’s my Little (I’m the Caregiver *not* the Little in the Caregiver / Little dynamic).

Because I split up what I wrote on the topic of devotional D/s into (currently) eight parts, it’d be easier to go the Master post for a summary of what each part talks about.