Brocean & Night-Blooming Cereus

In mid-February of 2017, I sent an ask to Gef on tumblr for a FotN oracle reading, even though I do have the deck. (Sometimes, it’s interesting to see how other people will interpret a reading.) I got:

Night-Blooming Cereus (Understanding). A new perspective might be needed. Keep focused, avoid giving away your power. A question you may wish to ponder: What is going on right now that may help or hinder my path?

By my own divination, I was able to figure out that it was about this Njord / Poseidon ship I refer to as “brocean”. I had to process a certain amount of gentleness and emotional connection within this ship because two ‘men’ in a ship can still be gentle and emotional (I have mlm human ships to go off, but Deities technically don’t fit in human gender terms). I need to keep focused on the inevitable process of embodying my People instead of giving too much power to recon or revival polytheism / paganism (certain specifics of blending traditions aren’t relevant to me).

I am the ocean and the gentle lap of the waves against the sand. I am the give and take of the tide, knowing when to compromise and when to hold firm. I move around rather than trying to force my way through. I don’t have to be immovable, stoic, and emotionless. I feel, express emotions, am gentle. The ocean isn’t always calm, but that doesn’t mean I can only feel anger or a particular slice of the actual emotional spectrum. I can be the cool water and the warm sun.

Hindrances. Well, I didn’t exactly internalize problematic socialization from nowhere, so I need to uninstall and fix how I view and react to others and myself. Depending on the exact issue, it’s sometimes easier to change how I relate to others than how I relate to myself and vice versa. I may not want to feel certain emotions because it’s uncomfortable af, and I may disguise certain emotions because of reactions from others (their socialization or “Society”), for example. It’s almost a matter of creating myself as my own role model in some areas, since I’m not aware of major existing representation to look to.

A few days later, after opening my own deck (includes a guidebook), I added to my notes that while “sensual aspects of ships are highlighted” I shouldn’t “lose my purpose”, or in less direct quotes, a queer relationship — a queer identity — is more than the physical, sexual activity that may or may not happen. I don’t have to publicly share my personal point on the allosexual – asexual spectrum [irl] because my “sexual orientation” is more than answering who’d I fuck.

The guidebook also mentions that ‘sensitivities may be heightened’, so grounding may be beneficial. At the time, Nidhogg was more the one for grounding info, but brocean would like to obviously point out the benefits of grounding in fluidity (water). Also – controlled breathing; awareness of blood flow / heartbeat; and listening to a heartbeat, someone breathing, or something rhythmic (not limited to the ocean).

Messy Family Ties

Sometimes it’s interesting to watch shows like Who Do You Think You Are? and Finding Your Roots (PBS version), but sometimes the strong selling of ancestry kits via DNA testing makes tracing ancestry get a bit wonky and messy. (I can’t speak to how racial enslavement destroyed the historical record of my ancestors or how PoC were ethnically described in different ways due to the historical time period, but this contributes to being able to trace family being a privilege that not all people experience. My ancestors assimilated, so my Irish, German, Scottish, etc. roots were gradually replaced with acceptably white American stuff.)

The messiness I’ve more run into is that I found out my maternal grandmother’s father was adopted (toxic ancestor J, so I don’t exactly have people who want to talk about him and whether this was official with paperwork or not). I’ve been raised with certain cultural snippets and attempts at grasping at heritage, even if it’s Americanized stuff like corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day. My bio dead have encouraged trying to settle a little more securely into the area of cultural nodding, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to seriously consider one of those DNA kits (so many holiday specials, guys).

On the one hand, it would be interesting to see where my genetic roots can be traced and I’m a sucker for the history behind immigration (I’ve always been told the Irish side of the family came here because of the Great Famine), but on the other hand, it’s a little weird to think about how because of genetics I might not have the roots I’ve always been told. Granted, some of my ancestors are a little perplexed by this DNA nonsense because family doesn’t have to be blood, but worrying doesn’t always play by logic’s rules.

My ancestors’ responses: You’re very Nervous & Anxious, you know that? You can’t lose your family’s names like that. Eat some food, look into some history, consider a language. Some of us weren’t exactly shy about spreading our culture in Ye Olde Days. So your little microscopic genetic bits don’t explicitly tie you to a place and people, so what? You’re not being asked to be an expert, Little Foundling, just take a seat at the table and mind your manners.

Avoiding “Sister Stays”

Notes from 1.10.19 about a dream that’s a message from Fenrir.

I kept winding up in the hospital, but I wasn’t experiencing any of the out of the hospital bits and just ‘waking up’ to different things in a hospital bed. Someone was taking my blood and explaining that I was having my first “sister stay”, in which my body was sharing someone else’s experience who had needed to come to the hospital and siphoning off the extra blood I had would disconnect me from them. I don’t remember why the person I was connected to was in the hospital, but the second time I woke up involved pain that I could only vaguely generalize to my abdomen and my blood didn’t look right (something pale brown was mixed in, and I can only compare the color to chocolate milk).

The third time I ‘woke up’ before my blood was taken and was struggling to not throw up. I couldn’t physically stay still (abdominal cramps from dry heaving), couldn’t explain why I knew someone was having a baby, and I was dazed enough I wasn’t sure if someone had borrowed my body for a bit (possession) or I had somehow wound up in a pregnant woman’s body (wandering soul?) before this visit. The attending physician reminded me of my “sister stay”, and despite my blood being removed looking quite literally like hot chocolate with mini marshmallows (no actual red blood), I didn’t feel better and the pain didn’t go away until after I’d thrown up.

/End/

Energetically, I can’t completely stop my ‘filter center’, and it’s more that I just carefully calibrate the energy I take in (skimming crowds because my energy perception isn’t high enough to get into person-to-person filtration). I’m fairly certain I’ve never talked about this here on WP, but something about my wolf-human hybrid energy body has led to what I call a filter center. I don’t consider it the same as psychic vampirism because I’m often not aware of cravings or a fluctuating energy appetite, and depending on what you read about vampirism, I don’t qualify due to lacking supposed shared traits or vampiric incarnations. My baseline is more of a sponge (filter feeder) that filters out excess energy from my surroundings, however, I can’t deny that some of the psi vamp stuff is helpful to make sure I’m not tipping over from filtering to being an energy sink.

This dream is an example of how Dad drops by with something to help make managing my Wolf easier. On the occasions when I’ve been aware of filtering an immediate environment, it’s been tied to someone else’s emotions becoming filtered and heightened in me, but I’ve never gone out of my way to test my perception of an energy’s flavor or how something about the source has affected it. This means that I haven’t specifically tried to feed from someone who’s pregnant before (some consider it ethically questionable), but I suspect my Father thought a heads up would help because I’m increasingly running into pregnant peers (and showers / events where I’m in close proximity to pregnant people that I’ll need to ward myself against feeding from).

Trans Witchcraft Dream

Last week, around 1.4.19, I had a fleeting snippet of reading a trans inclusive book about witchcraft that visually reminded me of the 90s era Wicca books, but I don’t quite remember if it was a Wiccan book or not. There was something about pronoun candles, and an image of a mostly white rabbit combined with and morphing into a purple iris.

Despite having looked at a bit of Casting A Queer Circle: Non-Binary Witchcraft by Thista Minai in an Amazon preview within the last few years, I haven’t really considered Wicca and its flavored witchcraft since high school. I don’t think the two remembered bits are a memory from a book being stirred up in a dream, but I’m not entirely sure if the general idea percolated something into being or not.

I had considered looking into Traditional Witchcraft in the past year, and in high school, I had to work to unlearn Wicca because my first exposure to paganism was its blend of religion and magic. I poked around at pop culture magic in undergrad (such as Avis), but this dream feels separate from all that. I’m not really interested in returning to a Wiccan approach, but I’m not yet sure where the line is drawn between an area that is commonly associated with Trad, PC magic, or whatever this is.

I’m probably going to poke at this, but I can’t guarantee it’ll be a concrete system or helpful for others. There might be overlaps (such as PC magic or possibly including a Deity / Higher Power), but it won’t be part of the system (secular, try to draw from nature and science).

2019 Divination

These are the cards drawn for the overall year of 2019. Deck: Flowers of the Night Oracle from Cheralyn Darcey.

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Dark Moon – Positive

Night Blooming Daylily (Creation)

Creativity in all its forms, including the creation of partnerships, friendships, and romantic matchings, as well as physical artistic and creative pursuits are all inspired under the energy of this flower.

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Full Moon – Be Wary Of

Rain Lily (Restore)

There is a change for the better coming, an opening up to new possibilities, and you are right on the path to benefit. Things are moving now, and the direction is in your favor, but you must be prepared to compromise a little. The timing may not be exactly to your liking, but the outcome will be worth any extra waiting or work on your part. Challenges are over-reactions and hastiness.

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Memo from Dad

Yes, another dream from the third of 2016 without laptop / wifi. This one is relatively less weird. Dated 10.31.16: Dream relating to prison.

A male teen was supposedly trick-or-treating as a “serial killer” with a face mask and a real knife. He didn’t say, “Trick or treat”, when I opened the door and instead raise the knife like he was going to stab me. I panicked, twisted his wrist so he’d drop the knife, and pushed / kicked him so he’d back up enough that I could close (and lock) the door. It wasn’t as clear cut cycle / repeat as some dreams, so sometimes details would just kinda change as I tried to explain what happened to other people in dream (push / kick, f’ex). Either way he fell backwards off the porch and hit his head on our concrete walkway (and sometimes had a sprained wrist).

His mother was watching from a bit of a distance and pressed charges; we live one house away from the sheriff’s department, so in dream they appeared to arrest and book me. I tried to plead to an assault charge, but because the guy died in the hospital several days later from brain swelling, his mother wanted to go for a murder charge (“I used undue force” and over-defended myself).

With repeats, the rulings and sentences changed; sometimes I plead to assault and sometimes I was found guilty of a lesser murder charge. At some point, I think someone was explaining that I could face 5 years of jail time, but I’m not 100% sure what the ultimate sentencing decision was (I did wind up in jail for murder, though). While in prison, I wrote to someone through a penpal service and got a chain tattoo around my neck with “Gleipnir” involved in the design somehow. //End//

While this does seem a bit alarming on the surface, at the time I wasn’t overly concerned about any foreshadowing. I wind up with the weird metaphor shit more so than anything relating to prophetic dreams. Around this time was also when I was mulling over the pros and cons of taking up letter writing at some point, so the main message was support from Fenrir (particularly if I go for a inmate penpal service).

This was also Fenrir’s way of dropping the idea of a devotional tattoo for Him, but I actually can’t get the exact tattoo from the dream. The name “Gleipnir” itself was incorporated into the design of the interlocked chain (no breaks or missing links; “eternally connected links”), which are both no-nos. Either one of these, but especially combining both, would lead to an energetic equivalent of Gleipnir. As a cub of Fenrir, I can’t handle that, and I would just wind up hurting the wolf in me in some way. The overall request has been noted, though, and we’ll work out details for something in the future.

RHPS Dream

Another dream record hidden away in my “waiting to be transcribed to my Google doc” pile. Dated 10.23.16: Dream relating to Rocky Horror Picture Show (2016 remake).

My sister had dvr-ed Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do The Time Warp Again (the 2016 remake released this past fall), and while I knew some cultural references and recognized some gifs, it was my first experience with any version of RHPS. (I never got to see the annual live performance in Athens during undergrad, so I’m still a virgin for attending a show, particularly as it relates to the original.) The night my family watched it [10.21.16] I had a dream based on attending a show at some point in the future (based on which tattoos and piercings I already had in the dream).

It’s not going to get explicit, but it is going to get weird, so there’s a read more just in case.

Continue reading “RHPS Dream”

The Strain Dreams

Part of not having my laptop / wifi working for the last third of 2016 is that I still have bits and pieces of communication spread out among 3 notebooks awaiting transcription into my Google doc for 2016 communication. Some of a piece dated 10.19.16 (discusses The Strain, specifically the show) follows.

Show context: It’s basically a vampire story with a medical outbreak frame / start (stingers are involved in ingesting blood and reside within the throat). Professor Setrakian is analyzing a book called the Lumen, which has details compiled through history about the strigoi (vampires) and their Master (head vampire / creator) that will hopefully help this group destroy them. Eph is an arrogant asshole at times, and he’s a doctor. Quinlan is a strigoi-human hybrid who is currently assisting the humans. The Freedom centers are sketchy af “”medical centers”” that you should not go to.

I’ve been having a recurring dream since I got to season 3 of catching up on The Strain, in which I’m somehow in the hotel where Setrakian is looking at the Lumen and sort of helping. Photographing the pages  at different points in the day (since a plot point included general daylight revealing ink) and having good color copies of the pages to look at if the professor wants to keep the book locked away (instead of the blurry b+w copies in the show, which pain me). Some behind the scenes help like cooking and reminding people to eat, which extended to carefully measured blood donations for Quinlan.

A lot of the dreams were explaining different things about me as I had to explain certain behaviors – Wolf mode could kick in very noticeably to protect me, f’ex. I had to explain being nonbinary and how important using correct pronouns is, and I had to talk about my People and ancestor veneration (I apparently had a traveling shrine set up and had to convince them to leave it alone, and it came up in talking about tattoos at some point). I had warned them that the strigoi outbreak had kept me from getting my antidepressants refilled, so I’d unintentionally quit cold turkey, and Quinlan confirmed it (tasting a decreasing amount then none of the meds in my blood).

Quinlan had a distanced, separated sort of compassion that reminds me of Hela, in a way, and there was something about his ‘monstrosity’ that I kept referring to him as cousin (in not English). I wasn’t always fully present at night from slipping into a higher level of Wolf mode while dreaming / sleeping, so I did and said things that were a bit unconventional (played with Hati, spoke in German to Setrakian, spoke in Russian to Quinlan). It freaked them out because it wasn’t knowledge I had when awake, and they kinda wanted to find a separate safe place for me but didn’t want to bring it up directly with me. I ended up bringing it up in one ‘actually asleep’ state because my Wolf was worried about suicidal ideation.

I wasn’t a warrior, and I was limited in how I could help with their cause, so it was only a matter of time before I couldn’t keep fighting the internal voice about how useless I was. Some of what a friend has talked about from the books has colored this because I know show!Quinlan wouldn’t give a fuck. In the dream, Quinlan was more like ‘you’re not useless; you’re just not suited for this work so you’re struggling’. We made some sort of agreement that I would only kill myself if I were infected (Setrakian wanted to have someone else “release” me), and I would be allowed to live in another safe location with access to the medication I needed when they found one (my visit to the Freedom center revealed the sketchiness of them in the dream).

In the meantime I was counted as one of the blood donors for the ‘our side’ strigoi, which helped with the uselessness. Quinlan tolerated me “because there’s always been people like you, even if it’s different, strange, or freakish to others”. He found it slightly amusing that I was usually calmer around him when he didn’t hide the noise from having the stinger in his throat, particularly since it helped with falling asleep.

Might have been some cuddling involved? My notes don’t explicitly include it, but there’s suddenly a tangent on feeling uncomfortable with the fandom sexualizing this character. I’m not entirely sure, but I view Quinlan like family and I view cuddling as platonic, so I’m not surprised at that tangent. Thinking of Quinlan like a cousin is like how Kylo Ren felt like an older brother (makes total sense to me, but possibly confuses others). I don’t have confirmation (Someone claiming it), but I’m rather confident that some of my People were using a pop culture frame for giving me some encouragement and possible coping mechanisms.

Kickstarter Progress

I had intended to wait until I actually had the deck in my hands to post about it here, but since I got an update about it today (and today is my birthday), I thought I’d go ahead and give a heads up.

I backed the Flowers of the Night oracle at the request of Several of my People, though Nott and Fenrir were the ones Who publicly claimed doing so. The following is a sample of the companion book’s description for a card (Angel’s Trumpet) in the Kickstarter’s description.

fotno

The email today was that the decks are going to start getting mailed out over the next two weeks, though I’m not holding my breathe on lightning fast delivery (it’s shipping from Australia).