Avoiding “Sister Stays”

Notes from 1.10.19 about a dream that’s a message from Fenrir.

I kept winding up in the hospital, but I wasn’t experiencing any of the out of the hospital bits and just ‘waking up’ to different things in a hospital bed. Someone was taking my blood and explaining that I was having my first “sister stay”, in which my body was sharing someone else’s experience who had needed to come to the hospital and siphoning off the extra blood I had would disconnect me from them. I don’t remember why the person I was connected to was in the hospital, but the second time I woke up involved pain that I could only vaguely generalize to my abdomen and my blood didn’t look right (something pale brown was mixed in, and I can only compare the color to chocolate milk).

The third time I ‘woke up’ before my blood was taken and was struggling to not throw up. I couldn’t physically stay still (abdominal cramps from dry heaving), couldn’t explain why I knew someone was having a baby, and I was dazed enough I wasn’t sure if someone had borrowed my body for a bit (possession) or I had somehow wound up in a pregnant woman’s body (wandering soul?) before this visit. The attending physician reminded me of my “sister stay”, and despite my blood being removed looking quite literally like hot chocolate with mini marshmallows (no actual red blood), I didn’t feel better and the pain didn’t go away until after I’d thrown up.

/End/

Energetically, I can’t completely stop my ‘filter center’, and it’s more that I just carefully calibrate the energy I take in (skimming crowds because my energy perception isn’t high enough to get into person-to-person filtration). I’m fairly certain I’ve never talked about this here on WP, but something about my wolf-human hybrid energy body has led to what I call a filter center. I don’t consider it the same as psychic vampirism because I’m often not aware of cravings or a fluctuating energy appetite, and depending on what you read about vampirism, I don’t qualify due to lacking supposed shared traits or vampiric incarnations. My baseline is more of a sponge (filter feeder) that filters out excess energy from my surroundings, however, I can’t deny that some of the psi vamp stuff is helpful to make sure I’m not tipping over from filtering to being an energy sink.

This dream is an example of how Dad drops by with something to help make managing my Wolf easier. On the occasions when I’ve been aware of filtering an immediate environment, it’s been tied to someone else’s emotions becoming filtered and heightened in me, but I’ve never gone out of my way to test my perception of an energy’s flavor or how something about the source has affected it. This means that I haven’t specifically tried to feed from someone who’s pregnant before (some consider it ethically questionable), but I suspect my Father thought a heads up would help because I’m increasingly running into pregnant peers (and showers / events where I’m in close proximity to pregnant people that I’ll need to ward myself against feeding from).

“Some of us are monsters”

[Cross posted from a sideblog. Originally tagged #Lady in the Cave, #Wolf mode. Not backdating because it was posted before this WP blog existed (1 Dec 2013).]

saintstrange:

Some of us are monsters.

You do not walk out of the darkness unchanged. If you look in the mirror and still think human, fine. Hold on to what you will. But some of us have never walked in the light. I have no desire to file down my teeth and clip my claws just to make people comfortable. They are all I have ever known.

(via red-voche-deactivated20170805)

Source: saintstrange

Confessional (Fenrir)

[Originally written 1 June 2017, but it’s still incredibly relevant now. I don’t view Fenrir, my Father, as a father in the sense of a priest, but I believe I was in the midst of watching a lot of the tv show The Exorcist when I initially wrote this.]

A small grid pattern of shadows fall across my hands, and I focus on this instead of scrutinizing my surroundings. If I let my awareness relax, I can be in the darkness.

“Why are you here, my child?”, a deep voice slides out of the dark corners.

“Forgive me, Father for”, words feel caught in my throat and the silence grows, “I can’t say I sinned, but I made a mistake. I can’t feel You, so I stopped doing things for You. I can’t say it’s personal because I can’t feel Anyone and haven’t really done anything for Anyone else either. The silence and absence seem worse with You – I mean that I feel worse when it comes to You. I should’ve tried harder because I should trust that You’ll always be there because, I dunno, fathers don’t abandon their children or some stereotypical bullshit like that. I don’t know if You’ve abandoned me, but I can’t feel You either way, so it just didn’t seem important to drag myself through the motions.”

“What motions do you think you have to drag yourself through?”

“Ritual. Cleansing, formality, speeches, and memorized actions. Fancy prayer on a set schedule with a special robe and special glassware and offerings.”

“Who says you have to do all that?”

“I feel like it’s an expectation and I should do it. What else would I do? My Father’s supposed to be important enough to go through all the effort because not going through that effort means He’s not as important. I can’t say everyone else does all this effort all the time, but it’s what gets repeated. I like the idea of formality, dependability, structure – I just struggle with actually sticking with it all.”

“What does your Father expect?”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve asked. I don’t think He wants the fancy-shmancy stuff all the time because it’d be like suiting up and going out to a five star restaurant every night for dinner. It gets tiring and a bit too formal because it’s energetically expensive. That’s the kind of stuff you plan for a big ticket special occasion like a birthday or anniversary. Other occasions can be special, but it’s more like going to Olive Garden to celebrate the end of a school year. You’re not going whole hog, but you’re doing more than sharing a meal in your pajamas at home.”

“Have you thought of saving leftovers?”

“I thought He was too busy to be bothered. I didn’t want to be too spontaneous when I can’t hear Him. I guess it seemed better to ask for forgiveness than to struggle with getting permission.”

“Small steps, my child. Your Father may travel for work or be exceptionally busy at times, but He has not abandoned you.”

Human Hunger

[Cross posted and backdated from a sideblog. Originally posted on 28 Nov 2013 and tagged #encouragement, #Lady of Untying (emotional vulnerability, human fragility, feeling, etc.).]

Your needs don’t make you too much. They don’t make you selfish or weak or greedy. They make you human. We all have needs. And those hungers aren’t something we should feel ashamed of. They’re normal, we didn’t get enough of them as children hungers. Affections we’ve been deprived of by the people who are supposed to care for us. Connections we needed to feel whole and spaces we needed to feel safe. Cravings we’ve been taught we didn’t deserve. Appetites we’ve learned to suppress and fill with guilt. Again and again we’ve neglected our needs because we’ve been taught that they were too much— that we were too much. But we don’t have to any longer. You don’t have to. Whether you need support, alone time, affection, connection, validation, or reassurance that you are loved — it is more than okay to ask for what you need. Making your needs known isn’t about being demanding or selfish. It’s about self-care. It’s about creating a safer space for yourself. It’s about using your voice and speaking your truth. It’s about giving yourself permission to take up space. It’s about listening to your hungers and honoring them. It’s about honoring yourself.

Daniell Koepke  (via internal-acceptance-movement) (via littlerestlessone)

Cherishing Monsters for Their Uniqueness

[Cross posted and backdated from a sideblog. Originally posted 15 June 2018 and tagged #comfort in hell.]

user lizardywizard:

i promise i will stop talking monsters soon but like

i want to cherish monsters for their uniqueness not change them

i want to approach the monster who lives in the cave and instead of ~drawing them out into the light~ i want to learn what it’s like for them in the dark

i want black leather scale-plates oiled to a fine sheen to be respectable dinner attire without having to force the monster into a cravat

i want to learn love from them because soft-bodied warlike primates aren’t the sole keepers of understanding on love

Memo from Dad

Yes, another dream from the third of 2016 without laptop / wifi. This one is relatively less weird. Dated 10.31.16: Dream relating to prison.

A male teen was supposedly trick-or-treating as a “serial killer” with a face mask and a real knife. He didn’t say, “Trick or treat”, when I opened the door and instead raise the knife like he was going to stab me. I panicked, twisted his wrist so he’d drop the knife, and pushed / kicked him so he’d back up enough that I could close (and lock) the door. It wasn’t as clear cut cycle / repeat as some dreams, so sometimes details would just kinda change as I tried to explain what happened to other people in dream (push / kick, f’ex). Either way he fell backwards off the porch and hit his head on our concrete walkway (and sometimes had a sprained wrist).

His mother was watching from a bit of a distance and pressed charges; we live one house away from the sheriff’s department, so in dream they appeared to arrest and book me. I tried to plead to an assault charge, but because the guy died in the hospital several days later from brain swelling, his mother wanted to go for a murder charge (“I used undue force” and over-defended myself).

With repeats, the rulings and sentences changed; sometimes I plead to assault and sometimes I was found guilty of a lesser murder charge. At some point, I think someone was explaining that I could face 5 years of jail time, but I’m not 100% sure what the ultimate sentencing decision was (I did wind up in jail for murder, though). While in prison, I wrote to someone through a penpal service and got a chain tattoo around my neck with “Gleipnir” involved in the design somehow. //End//

While this does seem a bit alarming on the surface, at the time I wasn’t overly concerned about any foreshadowing. I wind up with the weird metaphor shit more so than anything relating to prophetic dreams. Around this time was also when I was mulling over the pros and cons of taking up letter writing at some point, so the main message was support from Fenrir (particularly if I go for a inmate penpal service).

This was also Fenrir’s way of dropping the idea of a devotional tattoo for Him, but I actually can’t get the exact tattoo from the dream. The name “Gleipnir” itself was incorporated into the design of the interlocked chain (no breaks or missing links; “eternally connected links”), which are both no-nos. Either one of these, but especially combining both, would lead to an energetic equivalent of Gleipnir. As a cub of Fenrir, I can’t handle that, and I would just wind up hurting the wolf in me in some way. The overall request has been noted, though, and we’ll work out details for something in the future.

Kickstarter Progress

I had intended to wait until I actually had the deck in my hands to post about it here, but since I got an update about it today (and today is my birthday), I thought I’d go ahead and give a heads up.

I backed the Flowers of the Night oracle at the request of Several of my People, though Nott and Fenrir were the ones Who publicly claimed doing so. The following is a sample of the companion book’s description for a card (Angel’s Trumpet) in the Kickstarter’s description.

fotno

The email today was that the decks are going to start getting mailed out over the next two weeks, though I’m not holding my breathe on lightning fast delivery (it’s shipping from Australia).

Love yourself, monster.

[Cross posted and backdated from a sideblog. Originally posted on 11 Nov 2016 and tagged for Lilith.]

User evilsupplyco:

“You need no one’s permission to do so, and if you cannot yet, or have in the past but cannot tonight, you can still love yourself later.

Love yourself, monster, as often as your black heart can.”

Just keep burning

A brief summary of how my current bout of shadow work has been going (it will theoretically last from this past autumnal equinox to this coming spring equinox). I’ve had to do some stove touching in order to learn some things, and I know not everyone wants to read about that. If you’ve read the last two posts (Five of Cups and February Full Moon), you pretty know the gist.

Mentions: self-injury, being afraid of ODing, drinking, and vomiting.

Continue reading “Just keep burning”